Nuvaring, my life preserver!

I'm feeling better. I finally spoke with the doc yesterday and he switched my BCP to a lower dose. I felt like such a weenie, and I tried to suck it up, but I was so nauseated and sick. The night before last I was up until 4 throwing up, that was the final straw. I had asked after the first few days, and they basically said to try taking it a t a different time, that did not work at all, in fact it made it worse. So, I called back and the doc was fabulous. I changed over to the Nuvaring, and it's great. It has a much lower dose of estrogen. I slept through the night, I'm not sick this morning, and I don't have to take a pill everyday. This will last me 3 weeks. Thank heavens.

Next week we start the injections.

Today is such a dark day. I feel I've totally lost myself. This is just going to be a rambling. I apologize for it now...I guess it comes from the damn holding pattern and not knowing what I am supposed to dream about anymore. THat and the huge pile of crap that I can't seem to get out from under. This whole junk at work has taken it's hit. It wears me out. The last few months of the drugs and cycling with nothing to show for it except the added weight and lower self esteem sucks. Clomid really did a number on me, but I felt I held it together during the injectibles, and now while I'm on the birth control, while I am very nauseous, and still feeling huge and unattractive, I have been trying to exercise more.My outlook has been better, but 2 things yesterdeay just sunk me again (why does it take so little??). My husband had left a message for his dad and step mom to call us. She returned the call and I answered to her asking all excitedly," Are you pregnant? Are you pregnant?!?" For God's sake, no I am not. "No, I said." "Well why not??" I know she means well, but holy shit, could you try ot make me feel worse? She wouldn't let up on it. I just wanted to end the conversation. I'm doing everything I can. Sorry, I'm failing miserable, and I know you think it's amazing that Sean would even stay with me (as she has said so). So just stop it, please. IF my status changes, I'll let you know. The second thing was yesterday while driving I cracked some silly joke and Sean laughed pretty hard, and he said, hey, there it is, you're funny is back. I was worried it was gone for good. Now, I've felt I've been really holding it together, and trying to make light of things through this, making jokes from time to time, not being cranky, but here he is saying that's not the case. I said, were you really worried? HE said, you've been really angry and hostile for a long time. I felt wounded. MAinly because I don't really let all my heartache out with anyone, mostly here, and with him, true, but there is so much more that weighs heavily on me. During the injectible cycles, I'd cry at least once a day, by myself for no good reason, and I would just chalk it up to, it's the drugs, it's ok, it'll pass.I guess when you are going through all of this, it would be great if your partner had just an inkling of what you go through and cheer you on. I know the last 2 weeks I've complained about work, but that life has turned upside down. My good friend tried to get me fired by making up shit about me and turned a lot of other colleagues against me, again for no good reason. It's awful coming in to work now. I keep thinking about what I read from other women and I know I'm not alone, but I wish somehow Sean could know that this is all normal, and that I'm really doing a great job with it all. But instead I feel like I'm so isolated and alone. This all sucks. IT just sucks and I don't even want to try anymore, but I don't knwo what I'd do if I didn't try. Again, what the hell am I supposed to dream about now?

This probably doesn't make any sense. I'm sobbing while I write and.. shit it's Easter and I don't have anyone to dye an egg for.
Shit.

Living in the moment

It's such an awful burden to carry, being the one that's responsible for not being able to have a child. There's another whole level of emotional guilt and self deprecating negative talk that goes with it. There have been many times I feel unworthy of my husband now. So fearful of the day he'll leave me for someone that can make his dream of becoming a father come true. It's such a terrifying fear and one that has such a weight to it that it can barely make it past my lips. Sean knows my heart well enough that I don't even have to talk about it in order for him to reassure me. After months of this, who am I kidding, years (can it be?), I am starting to trust that we will be OK, somehow, if I can't have a baby for us. (Now, I said we, our relationship, would be OK, I may be a total train wreck, but I don't think he'll leave me because of it.)

We looked into adoption for a bit, but I don't think we'll go that route. This IVF option is really where we may either be successful or not. We're both getting older, and honestly, when we went to the adoption meetings we were really put off. It is SO expensive and it just feels like they are selling these kids. It feels wrong. I know it's a fine option for many, but for us, we both walked away feeling funny about it. $40,000 for a child, a needy child? Are they serious?! I know they need to make sure we'd be an ok family for a child, but it seems silly to hock up that kind of money that could be spent on, say, that child's education, or well being, along the way. Anyway, we were put off by the agency, and maybe there are better agencies out there that don't rake the desperate wanna be parents over the financial coals, but we haven't found them yet.

Anyway, my point to all of this is that Sean is trying to reassure me that all will be OK by talking about what our life would be like if this doesn't pan out. Again, I know he's doing this to keep my fears at bay, which is endearing. He's been talking about travel a lot, and the places we would go. We are planning a trip for July and trying to decide on Italy, Denmark, the Mediterranean, or the West Indies. Last night he showed up at the house in this little sporty 2 seater convertible BMW roadster from a local dealership. IT was a used car with only 37,000 miles on it. He made me drive it. At first I thought he was just wanting to have some fun (which he was), but as we drove around the curvy roads, he was getting all excited, suggesting that he wanted to buy it for me. Life is short, he said. Why not have some fun? You've been through so much and put up with so much. You pinch pennies like crazy ( I do pride myself on being thrifty, almost to a fault. There is a fine line there, where you'll find cheap, just on the other side). I just want to celebrate you. And if we get pregnant, and we quickly outgrow the car, we'll sell it, but, let's get it and you can have fun driving it this summer. I know he's trying to make me appreciate the here and now, and help me not feel like my life is on hold. It has been in a ridiculous holding pattern for years, and it feels like my life is slipping right through my fingers, how does he know this? Somehow he does, and he is really trying to help me feel like me again, and to LIVE right now. You gotta love him for that. I sure do.

And just so you don't think I'm some spoiled brat you all must know that it's been a long road for us. Just when we were finally getting to a place in our young adult lives where we were financially sound, had an offer on our modest dream house, Sean lost his job. Not only that but he was completely blacklisted from his career. Completely destroyed. It's a very long story that has a very long law suit that goes with it (final trial date the 31st of this month, nearly 7 years in the making). We went through hell to get ourselves back on track. The year we got married I kept the heat set at 50 degrees, 55 if we had company. I'm not kidding. Suffice it to say we didn't have many visitors during that time period. We stripped out all the UN-necessities. We still do not have cable, or cell phones, or internet, or hell, even a computer, at home. I've been driving my old trusty Camry for years now, and I'm fine with that. It doesn't owe me anything. Which is why it's so sweet that he would want to do something so outlandish for me. It is time to start living again, though. He's right. I think we've finally crawled out of the hole and it'd be OK to breathe again

Observation on Perspective

As I was running last night on the path around the lake, I had been burdened with a heavy heart and negative thoughts, and fear about the upcoming IVF and anger about all of the failed attempts up to this point, this moment, this single moment that all at once had me aware of a sky filled with the beautiful color of evening light. It's been a long winter, a snowy winter, and now the snow is melting and everything, before it turns green and lush again, is messy, and muddy, with gritty sand everywhere.

But at this point, this moment, as I'm running in some of the last bit of winter's breath, the big puddles that have been serving as obstacles for me, are now holding the blue sky's reflection painted with clouds that don't look anything like winter. This puddle is large and the light seems silvery and incandescent. I'm taken by it, mesmerized, and with every step I'm taking running towards it, I watch the world bounce around. I'm delighted to see this beauty, it fills me up. I hadn't even really paid the attention to the evening sky that I should have, I was running, looking where I was feeling, down. Until that silly puddle caught my eye. I kept on running towards that puddle, now glancing skyward momentarily, to the original masterpiece, and then back again to the puddle.

I was gaining on the puddle now, and as I did so, the angle of incidence was changing, and so the image inside the puddle did as well. Then I was above the puddle, looking down, I stood there running in place, my pace slowing as I peered, and now what I saw, ALL I could see, was dark brown muddy water filled with grit and sand and blacktop texture. The glorious beauty had vanished...gone. I stopped running, but kept looking into that muddled puddle, and I started to cry.

What a lesson.

It was the same magical sky above, the same wet puddle at my feet, but it was merely my perspective that transformed what I saw and how I experienced it. I felt thankful. I began to run again, looking back at the puddle, watching the sky and the delicately rimmed clouds reappear.

I guess somedays it's that simple.

I also know tomorrow, or the next day, I may only be able to see the dirty, brown, muddy puddle, but if I keep moving, and keep growing, and keep trying, changing my perspective as I go, I feel like I know now that I'll see that beauty reappear.

Feel free to remind me of this on my dark days. I hope you all see the clouds today.

A New Season

I spoke with the head of HR and feel better about the office hoo-hah. She suggested I go ahead and fill out FMLA papers so that I'm protected by law to have my absences. That way if anyone takes issue with my appointments they can go right to HR and they can inform them that it's really none of their business. I do still feel a bit defensive about the issue, and I just need to let that go.
I will say that the hurt hasn't really subsided, but I'm guessing it was all headed this way and now I know where the heck I stand with her. Regardless, it's never easy being in conflict with anyone, especially someone you are (were, in this case) close with.

As I start the pre-cycle for IVF, I want to do what I can to keep the stress of everything at bay. My usual way of coping is exercise and finding beauty in the world. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it keeps me balanced. And when I have a hard time finding something so strikingly beautiful, I know I'm in trouble. The last few months, it's been hard. So, I'm going to take advantage of my normal sized ovaries for the next couple of weeks and get in as much running as possible, and with the added daylight and warmer weather, it will be easy to see the beauty around me. What is more hopeful than spring, anyway? How can you not be inspired by way our landscape endures the long, dark winter and with only a little encouragement from the sun and slightly warmer temperatures, a beautiful renewal of life emerges with fragile strength.

Here's to a renewal to all of us on this long, dark, journey. May our spring come soon.

Slighted, and just a wee bit bitter about it

I started drugs last night to begin the process of suppressing my reproductive system. It just seems so counter intuitive, but alas, I've signed up for this process, so away we go.

I'm hoping that I'll get a little time before the injections start to sort of feel like myself. I wonder if that's too lofty of a hope. I seriously feel like the Michelin Man, and the back to back stim cycles takes it toll. I want to run, and feel fit. It's been 4 months and I'm going a little batty. This is by far the longest stretch I've gone without working out in my life and I miss it, for the physical lift it gives me, but most importantly, for the emotional lift.

On the work front it's been very interesting, and stressful, to say the least. I had a friend, although I use that term very loosely now, or maybe I should just say, a former friend, took an opportunity to try and take me down in my boss' absence 2 weeks ago. My boss went on a vacation, and this former friend, oh and yes, bridesmaid from my wedding, went directly to my boss' boss and unloaded some ridiculousness about my whereabouts during work hours. Now, of course, I have been absent from work for appointments at the hospital for my infertility treatments, but, I have gotten clearance from my boss, and I send out emails to the entire team to inform them when I'll be out for said appointments, and yes, they all know, in vague terms that I am seeking treatments so that I can have a baby. However, with my boss absent, and my boss' boss not completely in the loop, whom I do not send these "I will be out of the office" emails to, my FRIEND, who has not offered one bit of support through this, fine, who has not said boo to me about it, really, went to my boss' boss and said no one knew where I was. That I had not informed anyone where I was, and that I do this all of the time, just disappear from the office with no one's knowledge about where I go. I was fuming and hurt. I still can't believe someone else, let alone friend, would knowingly try to sabotage another person for no apparent reason. Luckily I had saved all of my past calendars and emails that I had sent to the team alerting them to my appts, and matched them all up, including the one that I had sent the very morning she stormed into my boss' boss' office saying I had not told a soul where I was. Unbelievable. She still thinks she's right somehow. She believes I'm getting preferential treatment, you know, being allowed to use my accrued sick time to go to dr. appts, and all, just like everyone. I mean, really, the nerve of me! How could I? Hmpfh!!

Thanks for all of your support and understanding, dear friend. I don't know how I could've gotten through my mother's breast cancer and then her heart attack immediately following, without you. Then you were great when I learned the seriousness of my father's illness, and then his death, you were great, really, when you never came and spoke to me about any of that, really, just what I needed. And then just following his death, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer myself and had to have surgery, you were fantastic support when you never asked how I was doing, and all the failed infertility treatments along the way. Thanks for never asking about any of it. Then my dog died a month later, unexpectedly, thanks for all those phone calls you never made. But, really, really, what I want to thank you for, is while I managed some how to make it through the last 2 years of one tragic thing after another, one failed infertility treatment on top all of the other heartache, thanks for trying to get me fired for something I didn't even do. You are indeed a real dear. The world needs more genuine friends like you. How lucky I am.

Officially Negative

Made a trip to the hospital this morning for my pregnancy test. My suspicions were on the mark, it was negative. It just doesn't matter how you try to prepare yourself or fool yourself into being prepared, really, it's still devastating. The nurse walks into the room, she startles you from your pacing, and today she didn't even bother to come into the room or shut the door, she just peeked her head around the door while standing in the hallway, and said,"Yep, it's negative".

"Ok, then. Yes, of course, it is. Just let me get my coat." I mumble something about how I should stop the progesterone, yes, I'll do that. Thanks. I scurry down the hall, past waiting room 2 where all the expecting women sit with their perfectly round bellies, and tears roll down my cheeks. My thoughts take over, "It's OK, you're OK, we'll get through this, we'll try again, we can do this, YOU can do this, just keep walking, get to car, just get...to...the...car, no one look at me ,please, look away, look at all the glowing pregnant ladies, not me, please, just get to car...."

I'm so sorry for anyone one else who had a negative test today. I know I'm not alone. That ache, though, sure feels like it's all mine.

Scaredy Cat

So we've been waiting. In the meanwhile this month we graduated to the IVF Clinic. We had our initial consult appointment on Monday. While there I also had a very early pregnancy test and the nurse was sweet. She came back into the room with the test in hand and asked if I thought I could see a very faint line? My hope can make me see anything, lady, especially a faint pink line. Honestly though, I don't think it was there. I did my first home test this morning. Negative. It seems too early still. I'm scheduled for another test tomorrow, but I'm not really due until the 16th. Are the hospital tests that much more sensitive? I really don't think I am pregnant anyway...

So we look forward to the IVF procedure. I'm hopeful again to try yet another new treatment, but can I confess I am scared of all the preparations for this one? I'm nervous nilly about the Luprolide and what that terrible drug will do to me.
I did everything I could to not go on that drug for my endo. I'm scared of the daily IM shots of Repronex, the trigger with the injectable cycles had me sore for days, I can hardly imagine daily shots. And now the added progesterone oil shots I hear can be painful. Because I have been on the suppositories I was thinking that they would continue with those, not so lucky. Let alone what all the drugs do to you emotionally and physically. How do you all get through it?? I'm so hopefully terrified, or terrifiedly hopeful?? Whichever, whatever. I'm scared. Can I get through it? Can I handle this if it's not successful? Could I brush myself off and try it again?? Did I say scared? I mean terrified.

In Memoriam: Eric David Hamilton

A bright light has burned out. The death of a talented, sensitive, uniquely observant and courageous artist has left the world a darker place. He walked through the streets of this world on his terms, true to his inner artist. He was not a conformist, oh, no, he was nothing of the sort. He was brave and determined and fought his dark demons, winning from time to time, while creating real art along the way. He was mysteriously quiet and creative. He took the unsure and treacherous route a serious artist seldom takes. A difficult road.

I'm so sorry and sad. I hope you have found your peace, Eric.