Living in the moment

It's such an awful burden to carry, being the one that's responsible for not being able to have a child. There's another whole level of emotional guilt and self deprecating negative talk that goes with it. There have been many times I feel unworthy of my husband now. So fearful of the day he'll leave me for someone that can make his dream of becoming a father come true. It's such a terrifying fear and one that has such a weight to it that it can barely make it past my lips. Sean knows my heart well enough that I don't even have to talk about it in order for him to reassure me. After months of this, who am I kidding, years (can it be?), I am starting to trust that we will be OK, somehow, if I can't have a baby for us. (Now, I said we, our relationship, would be OK, I may be a total train wreck, but I don't think he'll leave me because of it.)

We looked into adoption for a bit, but I don't think we'll go that route. This IVF option is really where we may either be successful or not. We're both getting older, and honestly, when we went to the adoption meetings we were really put off. It is SO expensive and it just feels like they are selling these kids. It feels wrong. I know it's a fine option for many, but for us, we both walked away feeling funny about it. $40,000 for a child, a needy child? Are they serious?! I know they need to make sure we'd be an ok family for a child, but it seems silly to hock up that kind of money that could be spent on, say, that child's education, or well being, along the way. Anyway, we were put off by the agency, and maybe there are better agencies out there that don't rake the desperate wanna be parents over the financial coals, but we haven't found them yet.

Anyway, my point to all of this is that Sean is trying to reassure me that all will be OK by talking about what our life would be like if this doesn't pan out. Again, I know he's doing this to keep my fears at bay, which is endearing. He's been talking about travel a lot, and the places we would go. We are planning a trip for July and trying to decide on Italy, Denmark, the Mediterranean, or the West Indies. Last night he showed up at the house in this little sporty 2 seater convertible BMW roadster from a local dealership. IT was a used car with only 37,000 miles on it. He made me drive it. At first I thought he was just wanting to have some fun (which he was), but as we drove around the curvy roads, he was getting all excited, suggesting that he wanted to buy it for me. Life is short, he said. Why not have some fun? You've been through so much and put up with so much. You pinch pennies like crazy ( I do pride myself on being thrifty, almost to a fault. There is a fine line there, where you'll find cheap, just on the other side). I just want to celebrate you. And if we get pregnant, and we quickly outgrow the car, we'll sell it, but, let's get it and you can have fun driving it this summer. I know he's trying to make me appreciate the here and now, and help me not feel like my life is on hold. It has been in a ridiculous holding pattern for years, and it feels like my life is slipping right through my fingers, how does he know this? Somehow he does, and he is really trying to help me feel like me again, and to LIVE right now. You gotta love him for that. I sure do.

And just so you don't think I'm some spoiled brat you all must know that it's been a long road for us. Just when we were finally getting to a place in our young adult lives where we were financially sound, had an offer on our modest dream house, Sean lost his job. Not only that but he was completely blacklisted from his career. Completely destroyed. It's a very long story that has a very long law suit that goes with it (final trial date the 31st of this month, nearly 7 years in the making). We went through hell to get ourselves back on track. The year we got married I kept the heat set at 50 degrees, 55 if we had company. I'm not kidding. Suffice it to say we didn't have many visitors during that time period. We stripped out all the UN-necessities. We still do not have cable, or cell phones, or internet, or hell, even a computer, at home. I've been driving my old trusty Camry for years now, and I'm fine with that. It doesn't owe me anything. Which is why it's so sweet that he would want to do something so outlandish for me. It is time to start living again, though. He's right. I think we've finally crawled out of the hole and it'd be OK to breathe again