Grateful heart

We met with a doula last night and are trying to finalize the decision to hire her or not. I think I really want an extra guide on board. I mean, Sean hasn't done this before, I haven't done this before, why not have someone there that can give us suggestions and tell me whether I should or shouldn't worry about what is happening. I know myself well enough to know that if I get scared and I don't don't trust the reassurance, the fear will get the best of me.

I liked her, too. She was kind, yet firm and confident, and easy to talk to. She has already given me so much advice about exercises to help the baby be in the right position and referring me to the chiropractor that took my pain away. Truly, for that alone, she has already earned her fee.

My body continues to grow and I am finding I'm more uncomfortable. The fatigue has returned and surprises me at the end of the day when I want to get a bunch of tasks done and just do not have the energy. Last night my belly was tight and hard, and I couldn't find a position that was comfortable. I got scared about how my body will take the next 8 weeks. I even got a little weepy when no one was looking. Will I make it? Will the complications (pre-eclampsia, pre-term labor, still birth) I read early on about my extremely low PAPP-A levels finally come to a head in these final weeks? Should I push to be watched a little closer now? It's hard to imagine only 61 days until this new life I'm working hard to create joins us. Will I ever be pregnant again?

On my drive into work this morning I was overcome with gratitude. I felt bad I had any selfish feelings last night of wanting to hurry this process along. I felt a calm and a peace and an amount of joy and humility that I have never known before. I wanted to tell S how much I love him and our life together. I feel stronger today and feel like I can and will manage everything as it unfolds.

...
Sean's family was here all last week and it was a great time. My mom came over for a day of shopping with the girls while the boys went hunting for pheasant. She stayed for dinner and then overnight and when it was time to go in the morning, she decided to stay even longer. With S's family living in NY, it's rare that we get to merge our two families. I was appreciative that my mom took the time to make that happen.

We had nice dinners every night. His father was dear, rubbing my belly, talking to his grandchild, telling me how beautiful I am pregnant. His step-mother( and my mom while she was here) helped out so much with the house and laundry and the dogs. On their last night I made a really nice dinner and invited our former neighbor who has helped us out with all the remodel projects on our house. He's 62 and worked like a dog for us. We won't get the chance to spend Thanksgiving together so I decorated the table and put small individual vases at each place setting with a few burgundy and golden mums and wheat grasses along with a handmade card. It is the season for giving thanks. I love this time for year for that reason. The centerpiece had a pumpkin on top that said-give thanks. On the outside of each card I had written, "I am thankful for you" and inside I wrote a bunch or reasons, starting with silly trivial things like, "Thanks for loving me even though we disagree on politics. Thanks for thinking pregnant women are beautiful...and telling me so. Thanks for enjoying shopping at thrift stores as much as I do," and then I built to more and more important and heartfelt reasons why I appreciate them. I didn't think I was going to have enough time before dinner to get it all done, but I did, and it really made everyone feel special. I loved it.

That whole week was fabulous. My house was filled with conversation and commotion and love. It was so satisfying. I couldn't help but wonder if having a child in my home will fill the house, and my heart, with that same kind of warmth and love.