Big Brother

Yes, it's true, we are having another baby. Our little bear cub is going to be a big brother and I will be the mom of TWO. I'm still in shock. Our new arrival is due on July 3rd. We are past the halfway mark and have cleared all of the scary hurdles with testing and everything looks great!

This time around the pregnancy has been a lot harder. I've been really sick and tired and getting to the second trimester hasn't really helped much. I'm not sure if I ever wrote here about my pelvis, but I fractured it in my 3 1/2 day marathon of a delivery with B and it hasn't healed correctly, so I'm having a great deal of pain with that. I hope that after this easy delivery everything will go back to normal. I want to walk again, and hike, and move my body. I miss that.

That's my crazy news.

One Year

Where have the days gone, my little one? I can't believe your first birthday is just 2 days away. You are the most beautiful soul and I am in amazement of you everyday. You have had some big milestones this year. You seem be ahead of the curve on everything. You started walking at 9 1/2 months and never looked back. Now you are running as fast as your feet will take you, usually with a ball in your hands, yelling, "Go, Go, Go!!" You chase after Gracie and laugh big belly laughs at about anything she does. You have recently started feeding her from your highchair, so nice of you to share. And you are talking up a storm. Your first words were Mama, spoken way back in July during your first visit to NY. Soon the word HOT followed because of the fireplace. I wanted you to learn early on to stay away, soon you made the leap that most things bright were hot, like candles and lights. You started making animal sounds soon after that, first the "Boof! Boof!' like Gracie, then the quack quack of a duck then on to monkey sounds and bears and even elephants. Then Daddy taught you the word hat and it was your favorite. You grasped the concept well and you would be silly and put anything on your head and call it a hat. You are always making us laugh, your sense of humor has been evident since day 1. Around December your vocabulary really exploded, you want to know the names of everything and as soon as we tell you you walk around repeating it. All of this is way ahead of schedule, kiddo. The doctors are amazed by your fine motor skills and vocabulary, as well as your laid back and easy going demeanor. You are such a good baby, everyday, all of the time, and I thank my lucky stars for you. You have only had 2 colds, the second of which you have right now. You've been so stuffly that I have held you upright every night for the last 4 nights. Last night was the worst, and I'm hoping you don't have your first ear infection. My fingers are crossed.

You got your first tooth at 6 months and soon 5 others followed that first. You broke almost 6 teeth all at once, and no one would have ever known. You were happy and unfazed by it. Very unusual for babies. You are a tough guy, like your daddy.

You love football. We took you to see your cousin Joe's high school football game on Sept 11th and you were mesmerized by it. You should have been sleepy and nodding off, but instead you were jumping up and down and so excited by the event. After that a football game came on tv and you went up the screen and said, "GO! GO! GO!" I think you are hooked. DId you and Grandpa ROn play football a lot in heaven before you came to us?? That is the only thing I can make of it all.

One thing that you started doing in October while we were visiting COlorado, was closing your eyes to turn the lights on and off. I don't know where you cam e up with this trick, but we help you out and turn them on and off with every tight blink you give them. It is the cutest thing. You have also turned into such a cuddle bear. I love to have you come up to me and grab me for hugs and kisses, crawl into my lap, and hold you close. It has to be the best feeling in the world, next to holding you for the first time. I still can't believe that was one year ago. I can't imagine my world without you in it, my bear cub. You bring me such joy and happiness. This next year I know you will continue to be unstoppable with development. I can't wait to see what is next for you. Thank you for being such a good little boy. I love you from here to the moon and back.

Happy Birthday!!!

A list of all you words:
Mama
Dada
Hot
Hat
Truck
Car
up
bagel
potato
carrot
cracker
car
ball
cake
clock
poopeck
paddle


Love,
Mommy

Our Pumpkin

I can't believe where the time has gone. Last year about now we were getting ready to leave for Italy, the year before that I was in the darkest part of my life. Now I look at my son and just can not believe it. I am full of wonder every day, every moment there is a joy that I never thought I would know. I am lucky. I am so very lucky. Last September I wrote about a seagull that flew with me while I rowed, this September I was showing B the orange light on the bird's tummy. He loves birds. He loves the outdoors. He is more than I could have dreamed for. And every day I am thankful.

This morning I had an MRI done. I have pain since the birth that has not gone away. They had ruled most things out. Today it was time to rule out a metastatic cancer. I have been worried about what I would learn this morning. Would it be possible to have my dreams fulfilled only to have them shatter around me. I can't imagine not being with B.

The news was good. It showed no cancer, but pelvic fractures, probably from the 3 day labor. It's rare. It may heal. The pain may go away. I don't care. I just don't care. I am so happy I am healthy. Life is so fragile. What a delicate balance. Some how today I was lucky again. I can't wait to get home, hold him in my arms and count those lucky stars one by one.

I wish I had more time to write. I wish I were recording all these fleeting moments with him. I am taking lots of pictures, and the rest of the time I am drinking it all in.

My dark cloud has lifted. I have been basking in the sun for 8 1/2 months now and I am so grateful.

I still read all of the blogs of the women I first cycled with, if they still post r haven't gone private with their blogs. I have not been one to post much once I became pregnant- I know it may sting, so I keep quiet, but I still champion for each of them. today I learned of the birth of the last to get pregnant. Some had their babies long before me, and now this one just 81/2 months after me, but there has been so much success. I am so happy for us and hope that if someone still reads my blog, that found me and my story along their journey, I want this to bring you hope. There were many days the only glimmer I had was found by reading someone else's story and it pulled me through. No one should endure the struggle. And if today is one of your darkest days, I still have hope for you, even if you don't.

My little explorer

6 months-impossible!

The view from here

I still can not believe I'm here. In Motherhood. It is a beautiful place. The pictures and stories I had seen from those that journeyed here before me didn't do it justice. I'm amazed at the view. Far more beautiful than I had expected. More breathtaking. I am afraid I won't remember everything so vividly, but I try to enjoy every step along the way. And take lots of pictures, of course. I try to hang on to every moment because I know it is all fleeting. You know how it is, you have this great lovely vacation planned and on the first day you feel like you have so many days to enjoy and then suddenly it's the night before you have to return. You wonder where the time went. It's already happening. I don't ever want to leave.

It reminds me of the time I convinced S to join me in Glacier National Park. He had never seen big mountains before and I really wanted to share that experience with him. I picked him up at the train station and off we went. The first place we set up camp he loved. He couldn't believe the beauty. Every moment he was awestruck, then it was time to pack up and go to the next part of the park. He didn't want to go. I would tell him, "Just wait. It gets better. I promise." But he was sure it couldn't get any better than THIS! I insisted that we press on. So, he sulked and moped as we packed up and left our site, until we arrived at the next spot. "THIS," he said,"is the most beautiful spot. We have to stay here the rest of the trip." "Oh, no," I said, "It gets better." Again, he reluctantly packed up and onward went. Then, to his amazement, the next spot was even more majestic than the last. He couldn't believe it. Each leg of the journey went just that way.

Here in Motherhood, it feels the same to me. I can only hope as I leave each of these magical places the next one will be just as, if not more, beautiful. I can't help but want to linger at each spot along the way, though. Savor all of it, remember everything, I don't want to forget a single thing. I'm reluctant to move on.

Like right now, this spot I'm visiting, it's beautiful. I could stay right here forever.

Love/Hate

I love being a mom. Love it! However, I've returned to work and am doing my best at leaving my little one behind. I begged my employer to let me go 3/4 time and they finally gave in for an 8 week stint. S is taking Monday, I'm on for Tuesday, and my dear mother drives 2.5 on Tuesday night and stays for 3 days to watch him Wed thru Friday. This has been a great fit for all of us and I hope we can continue even past the 8 weeks, but either way, it helps with the transition of returning to work. I hate leaving him. Did I mention that, yet? Hate it.