I probably shouldn't have

But, I couldn't help it. Our entire city is in dire straits due to flooding. Here at work a call went out saying we would get paid to sandbag and help our community. I couldn't just sit around and not help out.

Our own house is not threatened by the high water, although some around us are. The road to our home is in danger of flooding which means that about 40 households will only be able to get and from our houses by boat. Egads.

So many homes are already past helping and now those people are just trying to save what they can out them. It's so sad to watch. This will be the worst flood here in history. Unimaginable.

A day to celebrate

I have to write and say how happy I am for a fellow blogger who has had one roller coaster of a ride this week. Up and down with emotion and hope, then disappoint and anguish, to be back riding along with hope, and now, I'm sure disbelief. Her beta started out at 16...and somehow found it's way up to 550!! Things are looking promising and until we hear otherwise, Joonie is PREGNANT!!!
Congratulations! I'm ecstatic! I hope you and I can go through this crazy life changing event together, no more mishaps along the way. I'm just so happy for you!

POOF! There goes the confetti!!!

A letter to my dad

Dear Dad,

I've been wanting to call you and hear your voice and your response when I tell you that I'm pregnant. You know how long we have been trying. We were in one of the many 2ww when you died. I was so sure that would be our month, but my body had so much sorrow and stress that it ended in yet another failed attempt, but you knew there was a chance. I told you and you let me know with your eyes that you were hopeful and would be happy for us.

In one of the rare moments we were alone that week, I also told you that before my baby came to me, I wanted you to know him/her. I wanted you to have an entire lifetime together before s/he came to us. That then, somehow, he would have a deep knowing and understanding of you and the two of you would have a bond that would be stronger than any you would have had shared on earth together. Maybe you heard me, and maybe that's why it's taken so long. Many times I've thought about the two of you fishing together or playing catch, like we used to do. I hope you went to the mountains together and camped and made fires and burned marshmallows together. I hope you shared all of your life stories and taught him/her determination and perseverance. I hope you went sledding down hills and made snowmen and had snowball fights. I hope you picked raspberries and ate more than you brought home.

Many times I've begged for some help from you. To pull some strings for us. I mean who wouldn't do that for you? Sometimes I was even angry with you. I'm sorry for that.

And now we've seen the heartbeat of our little one and all I want to do is call you. I want to share this joy with you, the biggest and greatest event that will ever happen to me in my lifetime is upon me and I can't share it with you. It's a deep sadness that rivals losing you all over again.

When we went to the ultrasound, Sean wore your favorite tie for me. He came down the stairs and tugged at the tie around his neck and said, "I thought someone would like to be with us today." Big tears rolled down my cheeks. And later that night, at the end of our big day, Sean took the tie off, draped it over the chair and took the dogs outside. I picked up your tie, closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. I felt your immense presence, I was right there against your chest wrapped in your arms. I could smell your cologne. The wind chimes outside began to sing. I knew you were there with me.

I know you already to know, but I need to tell you something really special. You are going to be a grandpa again. This time it's your little girl having the baby. I'll do my best to make sure s/he knows you. I will try to instill all the goodness you offered to me. I miss you desperately and love you so much more.

Love,
Your Little One

Just like that

It's good news. I'm still in shock, but it's good news. I can't believe it. I really never, ever thought we would get here.

At first I saw the sac, but no heartbeat, and I was trying to brace myself for what news I had been dreading to hear, but then suddenly, there it was on the screen, fluttering away, working hard . So, we saw a heartbeat and a blob, but it was a blob that measured a glorious 8.8mm with a strong heartbeat for this stage of 136. I just sat there, shell shocked. FInally, the nurse was done with all of her exploring and measuring and she told me I could get dressed. I must have been dazed; I didn't move. She said t again, "OK, you can go get dressed now." Still, no movement from me. S said, "Honey?" "Oh, yes, sorry, I'm just still in shock." They all laughed nervously while I finally got up.

Then we met briefly with a nurse and then the resident doc came in instead of our doc and asked a few questions, gave a few recommendations for OBs, and then said, "OK, that's it, you're done here." Again, a bit of shock. No follow-up with all of the nurses I know by name, no meeting with Dr. Funny to celebrate, just a pleasant good-bye, and off we went. Strange. Weird.

S and I then went down to the hospital gift shop, which I had started doing, what, 4 years ago (it's been a long journey) when it was in a different part of the hospital before the remodel. I had this sort of ritual when I would go to the clinic and had to have something painful or scary done. Afterwards, I would go to the gift shop and buy myself something small, maybe some lotion or perfume, a handbag,a deck of fun playing cards, some thank you notes, or a pice of inexpensive jewelry. Then I'd stop at the really good coffee shop and indulge there, too. So, I had to go today, one last time, and look for something special to celebrate. I had jewelry in mind. Lots of local artists sell handmade pieces there, so I was hoping for something simple like that. S found a sweet silver bracelet that had a simple design on it, and on the other side of one of the silver pieces, it said mother. "I don't want to jinx us", I said. He looked at the store keeper and said, "We'll take this one", pointing at it. There clerk was an older woman, most of the women that work there are volunteers. She was dear. She told us that we made such a cute couple. He and I just smiled at each other. S kissed me. I cried.

So I'm taking everyone's advice and I'm going to stop being so afraid. I am going to be in this completely now, which means I know I'm at great risk for devastation, but aren't we all? Everyday, aren't we all?

If tomorrow never comes

Well, today never felt like it would get here and I never thought I'd be able to say, tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is the ultrasound which will reveal to us whether or not this little embryo survived and grew into a fetus that may now have a heartbeat, and little arms and legs complete with fingers and toes. Most importantly, we need to see a CRL measurement that will let us know whether we will continue to be pregnant or not. We need a number of 8 for the CRL and the sac size should measure very close to 27.

I'm nervous and scared and feel like crying all of the time (and most times, I do). I'm in some weird limbo area, where I still see myself as infertile, yet I might be pregnant, so that doesn't quite add up. But for now, for these last 5 weeks, I HAVE been pregnant and I haven't been this happy in years.

All of this feels like part of a dream. I won't lie, I love the idea that we might have made it, but I'm terrified it will all be taken away, which I guess leaves me feeling like it'd be OK if tomorrow never comes.

Back to waiting

What a getaway! We were spoiled and pampered and I loved every minute of it. We did all the things I said we would: took a 5 hour canoe trip complete with picnic, did a 45 mile bike ride ( a bit too much, probably, but good), saw the play "Harvey", went to a radio show that was Garrison Keillor-esque, had amazing dinners and incredible breakfasts (for example, ginger pancakes with lemon sauce-all homemade and organic YUM!), we hiked and lollygagged, we shopped. Great trip. Good job S!

Just in time, too, as the nausea has started. I went out over lunch today and bought Sea Bands. Have you heard of these things? Sounds silly, but they treat nausea associated with motion sickness, and yes, morning sickness. They are these hokey little wrist bands with a ball of plastic that puts pressure on some pressure point. WIthin minutes I felt much better.

5 more days until the ultrasound. I really can't wait to know if this pregnancy is looking healthy or not. I'm ready to be excited about all of this and want some reassurance that we are where we need to be. Our clinic only does the 2 beta tests and that's it. Long wait until the 7 week scan. We're almost there, though. Sean's mom called last night thinking this was the week we would know. She was really sweet and supportive.

I can't believe how big my belly still is from the enlarged ovaries. I don't have as much discomfort and pain as I did before, which I hope is OK.I'm running out of pants and over the weekend I wore the maternity capris I had stashed away. All my capris and shorts form last summer, a complete no go. So glad I had shopped already. I'm up 5 times a night now to use the restroom and find myself really exhausted all day. The evening walks seem to help a great deal, even though it's the last ting I want to go do, once I do it I feel loads better.

That's it for this update.

Packing my bags

S planed a little romantic getaway for us this weekend. I took an extra day off on Tuesday, so we'll be gone for 4 lovely days, just S and I, oh, and the little bean. We'll do some kayaking and biking, and go to the theater, some shopping and fine dinning, of course. I'm so grateful he put this together for us. We need the break, it's been a long time since I have felt this happy. Why not enjoy it?

On an obsessive note, I did call the clinic yesterday grasping for reassurance, knowing there's nothing anyone can promise me. The nurse was kind and offered me an early ultrasound, but I'd still have to return on the 3rd, and well, we'd get more info out of the latter scan, so I'll just suck it up and wait.

So off we go, to take our minds off everything and just enjoy ourselves. I hope you all do the same. I'll be checking abck on Wednesday.