Just like that

It's good news. I'm still in shock, but it's good news. I can't believe it. I really never, ever thought we would get here.

At first I saw the sac, but no heartbeat, and I was trying to brace myself for what news I had been dreading to hear, but then suddenly, there it was on the screen, fluttering away, working hard . So, we saw a heartbeat and a blob, but it was a blob that measured a glorious 8.8mm with a strong heartbeat for this stage of 136. I just sat there, shell shocked. FInally, the nurse was done with all of her exploring and measuring and she told me I could get dressed. I must have been dazed; I didn't move. She said t again, "OK, you can go get dressed now." Still, no movement from me. S said, "Honey?" "Oh, yes, sorry, I'm just still in shock." They all laughed nervously while I finally got up.

Then we met briefly with a nurse and then the resident doc came in instead of our doc and asked a few questions, gave a few recommendations for OBs, and then said, "OK, that's it, you're done here." Again, a bit of shock. No follow-up with all of the nurses I know by name, no meeting with Dr. Funny to celebrate, just a pleasant good-bye, and off we went. Strange. Weird.

S and I then went down to the hospital gift shop, which I had started doing, what, 4 years ago (it's been a long journey) when it was in a different part of the hospital before the remodel. I had this sort of ritual when I would go to the clinic and had to have something painful or scary done. Afterwards, I would go to the gift shop and buy myself something small, maybe some lotion or perfume, a handbag,a deck of fun playing cards, some thank you notes, or a pice of inexpensive jewelry. Then I'd stop at the really good coffee shop and indulge there, too. So, I had to go today, one last time, and look for something special to celebrate. I had jewelry in mind. Lots of local artists sell handmade pieces there, so I was hoping for something simple like that. S found a sweet silver bracelet that had a simple design on it, and on the other side of one of the silver pieces, it said mother. "I don't want to jinx us", I said. He looked at the store keeper and said, "We'll take this one", pointing at it. There clerk was an older woman, most of the women that work there are volunteers. She was dear. She told us that we made such a cute couple. He and I just smiled at each other. S kissed me. I cried.

So I'm taking everyone's advice and I'm going to stop being so afraid. I am going to be in this completely now, which means I know I'm at great risk for devastation, but aren't we all? Everyday, aren't we all?