I have a friend with whom I recently reconnected, well I guess it's been 3 years now. We met in college and then she went west and I stormed east. Somehow we both found ourselves back here in this college town in the midwest, much to our surprise and, often disappointment, but that's a whole story unto itself. Anyway, we got in touch, had lunch, caught up, and arranged a time for our new husbands to meet at a dinner for four. It was a lovely evening, lots of laughter. I felt great relief, really, knowing that there was another soul, two actually, and thus making a whole couple, that we could hang out with and share our adventure. Sean has great friends back in NY and we often feel like we are missing something without such close frineds that share so much in common with us here. So this, this was BIG!
We talked about life and what we were hoping to make of it. I truly felt I had found an island, and where people spoke my language! What are the chances? They love the outdoors almost as much as we do and we talked about taking trips together, skiing, camping, exploring. What great fun we would have. We talked about wanting to have kids and how fun it would be to share that together as well. She is a few years younger than I, 3 to be exact, and they were just starting to think about kids. We had been trying a few years, on our own, still foolishly optimistic with no idea what kind of infertility journey lay ahead of us. I had been fighting enodmetriosis awhile, but back then, we still had great hopes that the kid thing would happen any minute. It's all a matter of time, right? We had already put in our time, or so we thought. I thought the chances would be good that kids for both of us would happen in close proximity.
That night, our newly reconnected and newfound friends went home and decided to start trying, just like that. And would you believe it, they got pregnant.
She didn't say a word to me until about 3 weeks later. We joined them at their new house for a fantastic dinner. She asked me if I wanted a tour of the new place, "Of course!" We set out, her showing me the rooms, this is the living room, this is our bedroom, the guest room, my craft room, and this is the nursery. I smiled at her, and thought, yes, when that happens this would be a great room for that. But there was this pause, she didn't turn on her heels to show us the other rooms, and it hit me. She meant it right NOW this is the nursery. I looked at her and she was beaming, I faked it the best I could and congratulated her trying to disguise my own tears of disappointment for tears of joy for her.
This was the first time I had had that feeling. I had heard others talk about this feeling with other women, but I hadn't felt that way before. Up to that point, I really believed our time would come (and that is was right around the corner) and I could geniunely be joyful for the newly expectant mothers making their baby announcments everywhere around me, but this time I was plagued with heartache and guilt. It was awful. The months passed, I started my infertility treatments that were followed by one negative result after another, and it continued to get harder and harder. I don't think she's an insensitive person, I don't, but she really didn't seem to get that any of this could upset me. So the gushing from her would occur and my own private pain continued. We'd meet for lunch, she was having a difficult pregnancy, so we would talk all about how she was handling it. I'd support her as she would complain. We'd meet for tea, for a walk, and we'd talk all about her pregnancy, I secretly making deals with the devil that I would take the discomfort if only I could also swim in the joy of having a healthy baby.
She finally had the baby. We met them at the hospital right after he was born. We shared in the celebration with her family. We came for the baptisim brunch, we went to their house for dinners. She would let me bathe him and help put him to bed, but this all was getting to be too much for me. I would leave and hit rock bottom. I decided I could still have lunch with her, only her, and not do the whole family thing. Somewhere I read it didn't make me a monster to feel this way. I slowly pulled back, I tried to explain why, but I don't think she ever understood.
We bought our house, a fixer-upper, so I had a great excuse for awhile why we couldn't get together. But being such great people they really wanted to help out. I finally gave in and the three of them spent a day with us. The men worked on the difficult crown molding in the bedrooms, and she and I and the little one spent time playing down at the edge of the lake and with our new puppy. Then she came into the house and my dear Sean picked up their son and my friend and he cooed over him in the kitchen together for a lifetime and it sunk me. I didn't want to watch, but it was like having a train wreck happen in front of you, you can't help but look, even if it was going to be gory. That was it, the breaking point, and I couldn't take it another minute. I didn't say a word outloud, but I'm sure I turned a deep green while I began screaming terrible things in my head like, "Get out of my kitchen! Step out of my dream! It isn't yours to have! Please don't do this right here in front of me!!" I was so relieved when they finally left that day.
She keeps asking us over and wants us all to get together. I feel horrible, but I just can't do it. Honestly, I don't know if I ever can. I know my husband thinks I'm rotten for feeling this way, yet, I can't change my feelings.
Another email from her came today. I must come up with yet another excuse. All the while the guilt washes over me.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Striped knee highs and stirrups-Giddy-up!
We managed to get through another IUI this morning. I wore my festive striped red, orange, turquoise, and navy blue knee high socks for the occasion. Everyone seemed to like them. Before the procedure it was just Sean and I and my eggs in the room. I decided to have a little heart to heart with them. "Look, I said, I know you think you don't need anyone's help. I know you think you can do this all on your own. But even I, yes, I, had to ask for some assistance on this one, and it's time you, too, accept the help. We need the Y, girls, no matter what you think. We need the Y. Please, let one of those gents through. They may seem repugnant. I thought so, too, initially, we all do. But it's a yin-yang thang, and we need each other." I looked up from my belly and realized Sean was listening in. I shrugged my shoulders and raised my eyes brows, "My eggs, babe, I'm talking to my eggs." He smiled and said, "Check," and then I realized he said, "Czech", as in my damn stubborn Czech eggs. I said, "Czech. Check," and gave him a nod. He then continued as if he needed to, "Your dad was stubborn, wasn't he?" I shook my head while I stuck my legs out straight in front of me to see the party going on on my socks. I smiled. "And your grandmother?" "Nope," I said, swinging my party now, one leg at a time, watching the funky stripes. Then I stopped, looked up at him and we both laughed. Outloud.
We had a good count. 92% remained after their spa treatment. We sent a total of 38 million soldiers to march on, Braveheart style, fighting towrad my playing hard to get eggs, fighting whatever bad evil endometriosis it may find. Sean yelped out loud, "This is MY island!" We said lots of encouraging words.
I finally got the nurse I wished for today. I told her I secretly had wanted her to be my nurse and I was so glad I finally would have her to do my IUI. See was always so kind when she would get the other women from the waiting room. She seemed so confident and I was sure she must be the good fairy. I must have jinxed her, because for whatever reason, the procedure was quite painful today and took about 40 minutes. I broke into a hot sweat from the pain. The nurse became a bit frazzled and went to get a doctor to help out. I waited there on the table, speculum in place, catheter, too, for what seemed like days. The doc finally came in and he looked just like Sean's brother-in-law. Sean quizzed him on where he was from. He began to tell us all abut his family line and that he was the last male Mr. S He is from out east, but no relation. Me, still lying on the table...ah-HEM! It was odd having my brother-in-law step in as a pinch hitter for the nurse, but I was glad when he finally did. The catheter apparently was stuck and bumping, rather obnoxiously, into the back of my uterus and was not cooperating at all. The nurse explained that we needed it to go with the countour of my overly retro placed uterus, but it was being stubborn and trying to go THROUGH my uterus, or so it felt. I was not expecting that at all. I was soaked by the time it was all over, but slowly the cramping subsided.
So, the 2 ww begins. We have our long awaited IVF appointment set for March 10th, 3 days before the PG test. Again, if this cycle works, great, I'd be ecstatic, very surprised, but ecstatic, however, my chances are slim and I realize that. I'm glad we have the IVF to look forward to, if you can look forward to the needles and the bloat and the mood swings and the fatigue. I guess you look beyond all that to what seems like out final hope.
So, throw your pennies in the wishing well, my friends, and don't tell me what you wish for, but I'm hoping I might already know, and I think I'll still let myself dream a little.
We had a good count. 92% remained after their spa treatment. We sent a total of 38 million soldiers to march on, Braveheart style, fighting towrad my playing hard to get eggs, fighting whatever bad evil endometriosis it may find. Sean yelped out loud, "This is MY island!" We said lots of encouraging words.
I finally got the nurse I wished for today. I told her I secretly had wanted her to be my nurse and I was so glad I finally would have her to do my IUI. See was always so kind when she would get the other women from the waiting room. She seemed so confident and I was sure she must be the good fairy. I must have jinxed her, because for whatever reason, the procedure was quite painful today and took about 40 minutes. I broke into a hot sweat from the pain. The nurse became a bit frazzled and went to get a doctor to help out. I waited there on the table, speculum in place, catheter, too, for what seemed like days. The doc finally came in and he looked just like Sean's brother-in-law. Sean quizzed him on where he was from. He began to tell us all abut his family line and that he was the last male Mr. S He is from out east, but no relation. Me, still lying on the table...ah-HEM! It was odd having my brother-in-law step in as a pinch hitter for the nurse, but I was glad when he finally did. The catheter apparently was stuck and bumping, rather obnoxiously, into the back of my uterus and was not cooperating at all. The nurse explained that we needed it to go with the countour of my overly retro placed uterus, but it was being stubborn and trying to go THROUGH my uterus, or so it felt. I was not expecting that at all. I was soaked by the time it was all over, but slowly the cramping subsided.
So, the 2 ww begins. We have our long awaited IVF appointment set for March 10th, 3 days before the PG test. Again, if this cycle works, great, I'd be ecstatic, very surprised, but ecstatic, however, my chances are slim and I realize that. I'm glad we have the IVF to look forward to, if you can look forward to the needles and the bloat and the mood swings and the fatigue. I guess you look beyond all that to what seems like out final hope.
So, throw your pennies in the wishing well, my friends, and don't tell me what you wish for, but I'm hoping I might already know, and I think I'll still let myself dream a little.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Not-So-Merry-Go-Round
So, I had the ultrasound. Things look ok, I guess. One follicle measuring in at 23.5, one at 15.5, and one at 15. We have at least one that will mature, the other 2 are both possiblities, they say. Do you think they mean longshots? I don't know what to believe anymore. We trigger tonight. So, why I'm feeling so bummed and melancholy, I don't know. I'm just not excited this cycle. I'm more in the disheartened, hopeless, impossibly bleak, and despondent camp.
My endometriosis is terrible. My fears about the drugs making it worse has not exactly been put to rest by the lack of pain. I ask questions ahead of time thinking I'm being a good avocate for myself, only to realize several times along the way that nobody was listening to me when I asked all of those questions. So, even though I make it a point to discuss something, it seems to fall on deaf ears, although at the time they seem like they are listening and they give me anwers, but later when I bring it up again all I get is this glassy-eyed glazed over look from the nurse or a doctor which makes me know they didn't note it when I did. Or they told me what they thought I wanted to hear and then pushed right on by the landmine I had so carefully buried for them. I mean besides the critical questions about my treatment and all the things wrong with my body that could interefere with said treatment (not to mention the time, money and emotional hell) imagine how you would feel if after a few years they suddenly realize, or more accurately DIDN"T FREAKING LISTEN when you told them about all the endo and pain and laporoscpies in the first place, but now, given this NEW information, this treatment may not be the right thing for you, but uh, oh, now you are 37, if only you were still 33, like when you first walked through the door, everything would be different, but now there is no way you can get pregnant.
My ride today at the appointment went something like this:
Yesterday I called and asked again about what I needed to do today ( I always get in trouble for not doing it correctly, even though I follow thier directions). They tell me go to the front desk and check in, everything will be waiting for me, have the blood draw first then the ultrasound, then appt. Today I go to check in at the front desk ( where they usually send me to the back desk in waiting room 3, that usually sends me to the waiting room, where I sit for an hour, while all the other women come and go and come and go, and then someone finally calls my name and they ask why I am sitting there and why didn't I go to the front desk? ) I tell them I have a blood draw and ultrasound today and the blood draw should be first. She doesn't make eye contact with me, continues looking at her computer screen, eventually she hands me all my paperwork and stickers and tells me to go to waiting room 3, do I know where that is? Yes, I tell the same woman that has sent me there for the last year at least 60 times. But, I say, I think I'm supposed to go the lab first, for the blood draw. Oh, no, you go to Waiting room 3. But when I called in yesterday, I try to say, she cuts me off, No, you need to go to waiting room 3, do you know where that is? Yes, I say, again. I go to the back waiting room 3 and check in. (This is where I always get in trouble) and explain that they sent me back here before the blood draw and...She cuts me off, Sit down and wait, someone will be back for you. So, I dutifully do so. Ultrasound done. Check. I tell them I need a blood draw. Go back to waiting room 3, do you know where that is? Yes, I mumble. I go back to waiting room 3 try to tell them tht I still need a blood draw, again, no eye contact. Have a seat, she says. Women come and go and come and go. I mean seriously, even one guy said to the nurse when they were called, But that lady was here before usTo which the nurse turns to me, asks, what's your name? I tell her. Yeah, you'll have to wait. Finally my nurse comes out and asks about the blood draw. Why hadn't I had it yet. I try to explain, I told them at the front desk, and then at the ultrasound, and then back here in 3, but they... You were supposed to have that done first, she says. I tried, but... She tells me to keep waiting.
Finally I'm in the appointment getting the timing down for the trigger shot and lining up the IUI for Thursday and I have more questions about the endo. I tell her how bad the pain has been the last few months,each month worsening, and I ask again, is it really true that the meds won't make the endo worse? She avoids the first landmine altogether by changing directions completely. IF you get pregnant, the endo pain will usually disappear. Yes, usually, I understand, but what if I don't acheive a pregnancy through this treatment, will it make the endo worse. Silence. Glassy eyes look back at me. So, you have endo? UM, YEAH! HellOOO! You might want to talk with the doctor about that. Umm, I have, several times. We just went round and round on the merry-go-round from there until I just decided it wasn't fun anymore, no matter what animal I chose to ride.
I'm frustrated today.
OH! and a big fat PS today:
If my dear husband suggests one more time that all my endo pain could disappear with a chiropractic adjustment I will, without a doubt, be giving HIM one major adjustment.
My endometriosis is terrible. My fears about the drugs making it worse has not exactly been put to rest by the lack of pain. I ask questions ahead of time thinking I'm being a good avocate for myself, only to realize several times along the way that nobody was listening to me when I asked all of those questions. So, even though I make it a point to discuss something, it seems to fall on deaf ears, although at the time they seem like they are listening and they give me anwers, but later when I bring it up again all I get is this glassy-eyed glazed over look from the nurse or a doctor which makes me know they didn't note it when I did. Or they told me what they thought I wanted to hear and then pushed right on by the landmine I had so carefully buried for them. I mean besides the critical questions about my treatment and all the things wrong with my body that could interefere with said treatment (not to mention the time, money and emotional hell) imagine how you would feel if after a few years they suddenly realize, or more accurately DIDN"T FREAKING LISTEN when you told them about all the endo and pain and laporoscpies in the first place, but now, given this NEW information, this treatment may not be the right thing for you, but uh, oh, now you are 37, if only you were still 33, like when you first walked through the door, everything would be different, but now there is no way you can get pregnant.
My ride today at the appointment went something like this:
Yesterday I called and asked again about what I needed to do today ( I always get in trouble for not doing it correctly, even though I follow thier directions). They tell me go to the front desk and check in, everything will be waiting for me, have the blood draw first then the ultrasound, then appt. Today I go to check in at the front desk ( where they usually send me to the back desk in waiting room 3, that usually sends me to the waiting room, where I sit for an hour, while all the other women come and go and come and go, and then someone finally calls my name and they ask why I am sitting there and why didn't I go to the front desk? ) I tell them I have a blood draw and ultrasound today and the blood draw should be first. She doesn't make eye contact with me, continues looking at her computer screen, eventually she hands me all my paperwork and stickers and tells me to go to waiting room 3, do I know where that is? Yes, I tell the same woman that has sent me there for the last year at least 60 times. But, I say, I think I'm supposed to go the lab first, for the blood draw. Oh, no, you go to Waiting room 3. But when I called in yesterday, I try to say, she cuts me off, No, you need to go to waiting room 3, do you know where that is? Yes, I say, again. I go to the back waiting room 3 and check in. (This is where I always get in trouble) and explain that they sent me back here before the blood draw and...She cuts me off, Sit down and wait, someone will be back for you. So, I dutifully do so. Ultrasound done. Check. I tell them I need a blood draw. Go back to waiting room 3, do you know where that is? Yes, I mumble. I go back to waiting room 3 try to tell them tht I still need a blood draw, again, no eye contact. Have a seat, she says. Women come and go and come and go. I mean seriously, even one guy said to the nurse when they were called, But that lady was here before usTo which the nurse turns to me, asks, what's your name? I tell her. Yeah, you'll have to wait. Finally my nurse comes out and asks about the blood draw. Why hadn't I had it yet. I try to explain, I told them at the front desk, and then at the ultrasound, and then back here in 3, but they... You were supposed to have that done first, she says. I tried, but... She tells me to keep waiting.
Finally I'm in the appointment getting the timing down for the trigger shot and lining up the IUI for Thursday and I have more questions about the endo. I tell her how bad the pain has been the last few months,each month worsening, and I ask again, is it really true that the meds won't make the endo worse? She avoids the first landmine altogether by changing directions completely. IF you get pregnant, the endo pain will usually disappear. Yes, usually, I understand, but what if I don't acheive a pregnancy through this treatment, will it make the endo worse. Silence. Glassy eyes look back at me. So, you have endo? UM, YEAH! HellOOO! You might want to talk with the doctor about that. Umm, I have, several times. We just went round and round on the merry-go-round from there until I just decided it wasn't fun anymore, no matter what animal I chose to ride.
I'm frustrated today.
OH! and a big fat PS today:
If my dear husband suggests one more time that all my endo pain could disappear with a chiropractic adjustment I will, without a doubt, be giving HIM one major adjustment.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Lessons
This weekend we learned that:
1. When the phlebotomist answers yes when you ask if she's good at what she does, she's probably lying.
2. Contrary to what the nurse said, you don't always get an extra shot out of the Follistim vial.
3. My E2 levels were at 306 and we'll continue with the shots.
4. I have another E2 test and ultrasound on Tuesday
5. Don't leave your pan of leftover mushroom and spinach manicotti outside unattended even for one minute while you run back into the house for one last thing if your neighbor's dogs are named Char and Tess.
1. When the phlebotomist answers yes when you ask if she's good at what she does, she's probably lying.
2. Contrary to what the nurse said, you don't always get an extra shot out of the Follistim vial.
3. My E2 levels were at 306 and we'll continue with the shots.
4. I have another E2 test and ultrasound on Tuesday
5. Don't leave your pan of leftover mushroom and spinach manicotti outside unattended even for one minute while you run back into the house for one last thing if your neighbor's dogs are named Char and Tess.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Let me hibernate
The last 3 days I have been a grizzly bear. I am tired and grumbly and sore, and sorry about all the previous. My endo has been screaming at me and I haven't slept in the same room with my husband for the last 4 nights. 3 of which I slept on the couch and last night he slept downstairs and let me have the bed, hoping I could finally get a good nights rest. I did sleep more (cried only for an hour around 2:30-damn endo!) maybe that's why I'm feeling a little bit better today emotionally.
My right leg is really sore and bruised, way more than last cycle. I've been having all the shots go in that poor right side because my left leg always burns like hell and then I turn white and get all nauseated and feel like I'm going to thow up or pass out, but damn, my right leg aches. I may bite the bullet and try the left side tonight. Note to husbands doing the sticking (yes-I'm one of the weenies that can't do it herself, so I know I shouldn't complain-BUT here goes anyway) make sure you have the doseage dialed up BEFORE you stick the needle in the leg. The less time you spend noodling around in your sweet wife's subcutaneous layer, the better, for ALL of us. (I know you didn't mean to forget.)
My mom had planned a trip over this weekend, but I just don't know if I'm in the mood for the Eternal Optimist right now. I love her dearly, I do, but for this adventure she needs to join me in the world of Reality, or at least visit me here once in a awhile.
I'll have news about my E2 levels to share on Monday. Other than that, I'll try to keep my eyes open and my grizzly on the INside. No promises.
My right leg is really sore and bruised, way more than last cycle. I've been having all the shots go in that poor right side because my left leg always burns like hell and then I turn white and get all nauseated and feel like I'm going to thow up or pass out, but damn, my right leg aches. I may bite the bullet and try the left side tonight. Note to husbands doing the sticking (yes-I'm one of the weenies that can't do it herself, so I know I shouldn't complain-BUT here goes anyway) make sure you have the doseage dialed up BEFORE you stick the needle in the leg. The less time you spend noodling around in your sweet wife's subcutaneous layer, the better, for ALL of us. (I know you didn't mean to forget.)
My mom had planned a trip over this weekend, but I just don't know if I'm in the mood for the Eternal Optimist right now. I love her dearly, I do, but for this adventure she needs to join me in the world of Reality, or at least visit me here once in a awhile.
I'll have news about my E2 levels to share on Monday. Other than that, I'll try to keep my eyes open and my grizzly on the INside. No promises.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Oh, well
This is a lonely journey full of both great hope and devastating disappointment. And lots of comments from people who can't even imagine the severity of their words. Dumb asses. I'll leave it at that today.
Yesterday was a particularly low day. I didn't sleep much the night before as I was up with my endo pain. I cried a lot through the night and felt tired and moody when it was time for work in the morning. I did NOT want to go back to the clinic and redo this treatment. I was hoping for some respite, looking forward to preparing for the next big hairy ordeal (IVF) I will put my body through. I was getting used to keeping my eyes open for more than six hours a day. I am reluctant to become a zombie for the next 3 weeks, but here we go.
We've decided to try another round of injectables while we wait for IVF (March 10). The doctor thought I responded well to the meds last month and that, even if a cyst would present, there would be sufficient time for it to resolve itself before we would start the IVF preparations. So, I dragged myself to the hospital yesterday for an ultrasound and they gave us the green light to try again, no cyst there to stop us. I was secretly hoping for a tire screeching sized cyst. No luck.
Honestly, my belief is that my endo is causing all of our problems with fertilization either by killing the sperm in my fallopian tubes or hindering the ability for the egg to even reach the uterus at all. So, with that theory dancing around in my head, it feels pointless to even try this. This time around I am doing it for Sean. I think he believes it could work, and I want to continue to let him hope. My money is on the IVF procedure, if we have a shot at all.
We commenced the shots last night. I'm not going to waste any hope on this cycle. I fear the well may run dry.
Yesterday was a particularly low day. I didn't sleep much the night before as I was up with my endo pain. I cried a lot through the night and felt tired and moody when it was time for work in the morning. I did NOT want to go back to the clinic and redo this treatment. I was hoping for some respite, looking forward to preparing for the next big hairy ordeal (IVF) I will put my body through. I was getting used to keeping my eyes open for more than six hours a day. I am reluctant to become a zombie for the next 3 weeks, but here we go.
We've decided to try another round of injectables while we wait for IVF (March 10). The doctor thought I responded well to the meds last month and that, even if a cyst would present, there would be sufficient time for it to resolve itself before we would start the IVF preparations. So, I dragged myself to the hospital yesterday for an ultrasound and they gave us the green light to try again, no cyst there to stop us. I was secretly hoping for a tire screeching sized cyst. No luck.
Honestly, my belief is that my endo is causing all of our problems with fertilization either by killing the sperm in my fallopian tubes or hindering the ability for the egg to even reach the uterus at all. So, with that theory dancing around in my head, it feels pointless to even try this. This time around I am doing it for Sean. I think he believes it could work, and I want to continue to let him hope. My money is on the IVF procedure, if we have a shot at all.
We commenced the shots last night. I'm not going to waste any hope on this cycle. I fear the well may run dry.
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