Today I am full of dread. It didn't start out that way, but a colleague of mine, who I found is going through her own IF journey while running into her at the clinic months ago, stopped by to check up on me. I told her about the positive tests and the good beta results, and that now all we need to do is get past the ultrasound. "Beware," she said. It turns out that with her second pregnancy she made it to the ultrasound, saw a heartbeat, and then the nurse took the CRL measurements and then told her that a doc would need to speak with her. Her heart sank and soon she learned that the measurement indicated that this pregnancy, like her last, would also end in a miscarriage. I know she's trying to protect me somehow, and prepare me, but now I am a nervous nilly and scared and my damn eyes won't stop leaking these tears. I am so afraid.
I know she did not have the beta blood tests ahead of time, and I also know there is no real way of knowing until I get to the ultrasound myself, and even then, there could be something else at any time, but I was just feeling more at peace and relieved, and well, happy. Now I am just a ball of nerves and am trying to figure out a way to stop obsessing.
13 more days.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Beta #2
More good news! My second beta is 402!! We are right on track and now, well, NOW I am starting to believe that I really am pregnant and there's a real chance we may become parents!! I'm in tears and can't wait until the ultrasound on June 3rd. They say if we make it that milestone and see a heartbeat, the chances of miscarriage go down to only 5%. Oh!! I don't think I reported that my progesterone was 220. Normal range is 20-60, and anything above 60? Well, no more PIO shots!!! Life is getting better by the blood draw!! Who thought you could find joy in a beta test?
I really believe our problem has solely been my severe endo, and now, whatever happens, we have hope to hang on to.
Happy Friday, Everyone! And those of you testing soon or holding positives right along with me, good luck to all of us. Thanks for sharing your own stories!!
I really believe our problem has solely been my severe endo, and now, whatever happens, we have hope to hang on to.
Happy Friday, Everyone! And those of you testing soon or holding positives right along with me, good luck to all of us. Thanks for sharing your own stories!!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
It's official!!!
We couldn't wait until tonight to hear the news. S and I went home over lunch to listen to the message from the hospital. My beta is 180! My E2 is 1106. Still waiting on my progesterone levels...
We called the parents and everyone was in tears. Everyone has been rooting for us and were all so sweet and happy. So hang on little one, hang on. There are lots of people who want to meet you!
We called the parents and everyone was in tears. Everyone has been rooting for us and were all so sweet and happy. So hang on little one, hang on. There are lots of people who want to meet you!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Darker is better
The line was a little darker today. Other symptoms that would confirm the rise in HcG would be my tender ovaries are back. I'm more bloated again and uncomfortable. The real test is tomorrow. I won't know the results until the end of the day.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Unbelievable!
I saw 2 lines! And the digital stick actually said PREGNANT! I'm still dazed and stunned and so happy and grateful!
Here's the story:
I had done just the digi test on Saturday, it was negative. I was sure it was all over. Sean and I worked in the yard all day.I probably did more than I should have, but I kept saying in my head, "I'm not pregnant." Then on Sunday, Mother's Day, I finally made made myself get out of bed and go down and take the dreadful test. I knew there should be a stronger line today or this may not be happening for us this time. I did both tests again. While the digi test sat flashing while I waited I watched the line test. IT looked just like the others, very, very faint shadow-can-only-see-it-if-your-desperate of a line looked back at me. My heart sank. I closed my eyes while they filed with tears and then I looked again-and there was a darker line. A much darker line. I wasn't sure because my eyes were blurry from the tears. I wiped them away and turned around to look at the digi test on the counter and there was the word, PREGNANT, looking right back at me. I shook my head in disbelief and now started crying all over again. Sean was just outside the bathroom, totally out of the loop on all of my closet testing. I thought about all of the million times over the ways I wanted to surprise him one day when we finally found out, but I started shaking and bouncing on my toes, and I just couldn't hold it in. I went out to the family room, sat on his lap, pushed his shoulders back against the back of the couch and just looked at him, he says, for what felt like eternity. He thought I was going to tell him I got my period and was trying to temper his disappointment and summon the strength to support me. I finally said, Honey, I'm pregnant." My eyes spilling tears down my cheeks. He didn't hear me completely at first, the good news not quite getting all the way past the bad news gate. "What?" he asked. "I'm pregnant, I just tested." He grabbed me and held me and the 2 of us sobbed together.
We crossed another hurdle, and we both know how fragile this all is, but we will celebrate this success and hold it close to hearts and continue to wait out the process. My beta is Wednesday and we hope for a good number.
Can you believe it??
Here's the story:
I had done just the digi test on Saturday, it was negative. I was sure it was all over. Sean and I worked in the yard all day.I probably did more than I should have, but I kept saying in my head, "I'm not pregnant." Then on Sunday, Mother's Day, I finally made made myself get out of bed and go down and take the dreadful test. I knew there should be a stronger line today or this may not be happening for us this time. I did both tests again. While the digi test sat flashing while I waited I watched the line test. IT looked just like the others, very, very faint shadow-can-only-see-it-if-your-desperate of a line looked back at me. My heart sank. I closed my eyes while they filed with tears and then I looked again-and there was a darker line. A much darker line. I wasn't sure because my eyes were blurry from the tears. I wiped them away and turned around to look at the digi test on the counter and there was the word, PREGNANT, looking right back at me. I shook my head in disbelief and now started crying all over again. Sean was just outside the bathroom, totally out of the loop on all of my closet testing. I thought about all of the million times over the ways I wanted to surprise him one day when we finally found out, but I started shaking and bouncing on my toes, and I just couldn't hold it in. I went out to the family room, sat on his lap, pushed his shoulders back against the back of the couch and just looked at him, he says, for what felt like eternity. He thought I was going to tell him I got my period and was trying to temper his disappointment and summon the strength to support me. I finally said, Honey, I'm pregnant." My eyes spilling tears down my cheeks. He didn't hear me completely at first, the good news not quite getting all the way past the bad news gate. "What?" he asked. "I'm pregnant, I just tested." He grabbed me and held me and the 2 of us sobbed together.
We crossed another hurdle, and we both know how fragile this all is, but we will celebrate this success and hold it close to hearts and continue to wait out the process. My beta is Wednesday and we hope for a good number.
Can you believe it??
Friday, May 9, 2008
Tagged! Egads!
I've been tagged
The sweet joonie has tagged me for a meme! Which is funny because I think she's the only one that even reads my blog, so I won't have anyone to tag....
Four things I did ten years ago (1998 )
1. Moved to Kansas City from Pennsylvania with my dog on my birthday under a full moon and lived with my big brother until I got on my feet
2. Camped all by myself for the first time in Yellowstone Nat'l Park-woke up to find myself in a herd of elk
3. Landed my first job as a photographer
4. Found out my father's cancer had come back
Four things I did five years ago (2003)
1. Got engaged to my boyfriend of 12 years-I know, I know, we're both very independent and stubborn people.
2. My photography was represented for the first time by an art gallery
3. Lived completely on my own for the first time in my life while my now husband-then fiance moved to NY
4. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer
Four things I did yesterday
1. POAS and bought 5 boxes of HPTs
2. Planted 8 hostas and 9 lilies in my yard with my husband
3. Practiced lessons from dog obedience class with my dog, Gracie
4. Had another lovely PIO injection
Four shows I love to watch
Ooh, I don't watch much t.v., we don't even have cable...I know, I know.
1. House
2. Boston Legal
3. Extreme Home Makeover- I can't help it
4. American Idol-please don't cringe
Four things I love to do
1. Travel
2. Row
3. Anything outdoors-run (although it's mostly walking during IF treatment), rollerblade, ski, swim, hike
4. Camping and sitting around the fire
The sweet joonie has tagged me for a meme! Which is funny because I think she's the only one that even reads my blog, so I won't have anyone to tag....
Four things I did ten years ago (1998 )
1. Moved to Kansas City from Pennsylvania with my dog on my birthday under a full moon and lived with my big brother until I got on my feet
2. Camped all by myself for the first time in Yellowstone Nat'l Park-woke up to find myself in a herd of elk
3. Landed my first job as a photographer
4. Found out my father's cancer had come back
Four things I did five years ago (2003)
1. Got engaged to my boyfriend of 12 years-I know, I know, we're both very independent and stubborn people.
2. My photography was represented for the first time by an art gallery
3. Lived completely on my own for the first time in my life while my now husband-then fiance moved to NY
4. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer
Four things I did yesterday
1. POAS and bought 5 boxes of HPTs
2. Planted 8 hostas and 9 lilies in my yard with my husband
3. Practiced lessons from dog obedience class with my dog, Gracie
4. Had another lovely PIO injection
Four shows I love to watch
Ooh, I don't watch much t.v., we don't even have cable...I know, I know.
1. House
2. Boston Legal
3. Extreme Home Makeover- I can't help it
4. American Idol-please don't cringe
Four things I love to do
1. Travel
2. Row
3. Anything outdoors-run (although it's mostly walking during IF treatment), rollerblade, ski, swim, hike
4. Camping and sitting around the fire
I’ve lost my marbles
So, I went home yesterday, stopped to buy more needles for the PIO shots, and about 4 boxes of the sinful PG tests. I couldn’t even wait to get home, so I found the closest restroom-BFN. Now, I know it’s way too early yet to know for sure, so I decided to chalk it up to that and convince myself that’s it’s still good detective work, since now if I DO get a positive, I'll know that it's not from any lingering HcG from the trigger shot. So, I tried not to worry. I spent the evening with Sean in the yard planting more flowers and hostas and helping him mulch. Great distracter, by the way.
This morning I did another test, OK ,OK, 2 tests, and the digi test said not pregnant, HOWEVER, the the other test had the faintest line you’ve ever seen, barely there, maybe it wasn’t there, but I swear I saw something. It was more like a shadow on a a very very overcast day. See what I mean? I went back and checked on it about 10 times before I left for work this morning. Still there, I mean, if it was there to begin with. Anyway, I’m terrifyingly hopeful. Now we wait and pray that that ding dang line gets darker.
So much for the cautious part. I'm officially off the deep end now.
This morning I did another test, OK ,OK, 2 tests, and the digi test said not pregnant, HOWEVER, the the other test had the faintest line you’ve ever seen, barely there, maybe it wasn’t there, but I swear I saw something. It was more like a shadow on a a very very overcast day. See what I mean? I went back and checked on it about 10 times before I left for work this morning. Still there, I mean, if it was there to begin with. Anyway, I’m terrifyingly hopeful. Now we wait and pray that that ding dang line gets darker.
So much for the cautious part. I'm officially off the deep end now.
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