Dinner went OK. I'm glad I did go and not cancel. It was still difficult listening to her talk about her son and how wonderful it is to be a mom, and then discuss her new pregnancy, again, all the while not knowing the outcome of our treatments. She never asked about it or how I was doing. I could chalk this up to the fact she just doesn't know what to say, but it was still just awkward. She knew we had gone on a few trips recently and knew we were still planning one last big hoorah trip this fall, all without knowing that my recent trips have been escapes and distractions to help get us through the waiting, and that the big trip was to hopefully be our celebration trip and baby moon. But, she made snide comments about not being able to run off on a big trip because of her son and now her pregnancy and she openly gushed about that and how wonderful her boy is and what a great age and oh did I tell you about the amazing things he's doing? There's the sting. Doesn't she realize I would have gladly stayed home the last 4 years from any trips with my own son that I could never conceive. Instead I smiled and told her how lucky she is.
Finally at the end of dinner I did blurt out that I was pregnant. We left the restaurant and went for a walk while I tried to explain to her what the last 6 moths have really been like. She was surprised and happy for us, but again, her way of trying to connect to me just gets me angry. She actually said she knew exactly how it felt to be me because they had actually had to try for 4 months to get pregnant this second time, and then she finally decided to chart a month, and then it worked. Really? You know how I feel? Are you kidding me? You charted one month and it worked for your second child?? I was at a loss for words and I didn't want to come off sounding angry and bitter, though I was, I was. So I opted to just smile and nod.
So now she has heard the news she thinks it all melts away and everything is back to normal and totally fine. I wish it were that easy. But seriously, will any of us ever be the same before this torturous roller coaster? I do believe we are different, and hopefully closer with our partners, if we are lucky that it didn't tear us apart. We are stronger and wiser, but we won't be the same.
She immediately decided we should all get together and go celebrate. I told her that until my results come in I don't feel like celebrating, and that it's still hard to hang out with her family right now. She looked hurt and a little confused when I told her that. I tried to reassure her that it's really no one's fault, it's just a side effect of infertility, and with time it may heal, but I need to focus on my situation right now, that I want to go through my pregnancy on my own ( selfish girl, please don't let lightening strike me down). In the end I still don't know if she got it. Most of her comments made me feel like she was way off base, and I know in my heart that it would be really hard to understand if you were given the storybook route to try and grasp that there is also a nightmare path out there for some of us.
I just hope now I can have a little breathing room from her. I do feel better that I was direct and asked for what I need right now. I do wish that she understood and that we could talk more openly about it, that I could actually lean on her for support, but I have come to terms that she is just not that person for me.
...
I am starting to go a little crazy with waiting for the results. I put a call into the hospital just to make sure by some miraculous event the results didn't come back early and are sitting on a desk waiting to be given to me somewhere while I bite my nails down to nubbins. I haven't heard anything back.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Another guest appearance by the green-eyed monster
I've talked to you about her before(you must read that post to really have an understanding of the rest of this bitter post). My very fertile friend that I've been trying to avoid like the plague. The last time we met for lunch she was saying how she was mad at her husband and wasn't going to try for a second baby for awhile. Hmm. OK. Then she was calling again wanting to have us all over at her house for an evening, but I redirected to lunch with just her and I to avoid hanging out all night with her son, I know, I'm terrible. I just had a hunch she was going to drop the "I'm pregnant!" bomb on me again. So, we tried to schedule a lunch, but it was always around a potential land mine date, like my transfer day-what if there weren't any eggs to transfer? I'd reschedule, then it was on my first beta test day. Reschedule. Then my second beta test-nope, no good. The day of my first ultrasound? Ummm...no. The day after they called me at work and told me that my chances of having a baby with Trisomy 18 were ridiculously high...let's see, sorry, can' t make it. OK, then, how about the afternoon of my CVS test? Won't be able to. Any day between now and the amnio? I think I'll be out of town, somewhere with my head in the sand. Oh, Ok then. But, by now she was really starting to get peeved. So I caved, thinking that I would have had my results from the amnio in 2 days- I carefully scheduled it for, well, tonight.
Last night the phone rings. It's fertile myrtle. She wants to discuss where we will go for dinner and then chat. Isn't that what the dinner is for? Now mind you, she has no idea I'm pregnant. Last she knew we were past one failed injectable cycle heading into our 2 WW of another failed injectable cycle with the IVF plans on the horizon. Again, I don't think she tries to be insensitive, she just has no idea how to be supportive through this. She is quite frankly clueless about it all. So, before we hang up she stops me and awkwardly blurts out that she is pregnant-5 months and wanted me to know-that and how hard the pregnancy has already been. Great. That means the first month you tried to get pregnant-BAM! it worked. The second time you tried you also got pregnant on try number 1. Good job! Way to go! And now, I'm in this pregnant purgatory of sorts and you have been trying to tell me while I was going through IVF and every moment after not knowing where or how we are doing? Really? I think this might finally push me over the edge.
On one hand I feel terrible for feeling any of this because I AM pregnant. I'm a lucky one. A very, very lucky one. I may not have a live baby at the end of this pregnancy to love and to hold, but I did get this far. This may be the only time I am pregnant. I want to enjoy it as much as possible, every bit of nausea and bout of fatigue, the round ligament pain stretching- I get to feel it. I do. I am blessed. But I am also scared as hell. And it hasn't been an easy road to get here.
For whatever reason she has been The One for me. I think a lot of us have One. The girl that you come across in your IF journey that just pours salt on your very raw gaping open wounds. Her presence, or words, or stories, or inability to say the right thing, just stings.
I think it is finally time for me to tell her. I need to come clean. I need to explain that infertility can wreak havoc on the best of us. It can beat us down to such a low level that we hardly recognize ourselves. It takes its toll not only on us, but on our loved ones, our work, and our relationships. And for whatever reason, some survive and some don't. Our friendship isn't going to survive it. And I'm sorry.
I don't even think I can tell her that we did indeed get pregnant. I can't begin to explain to her why I couldn't shout it from the mountain tops like she did the week after her HPT. She was blissfully ignorant. None of us will have that luxury. If, if , if we do get pregnant we will all have, to some extent, a tentative pregnancy. Oh, we'll be joyful, yes, indeed, but in a cautiously optimistic I don't want to jinx this sort of way. How can we not after all the disappointment we have faced along the way? How do we not protect our hearts just a little? I think it's called survival.
I guess I shouldn't lump everyone into this category, that's not fair. Maybe had we had good news from the outset I would have aleady begun to heal, but it just feels like more of the same. Except I don't fit in anywhere. At this very moment, I am not technically infertile, but I surely don't feel like I'm really pregnant. It's a lonely place that is ridden with guilt and yet filled with hope. Who am I to complain? I apologize for the whining. But that green eyed monster has a hold on me today, and it's not pretty.
16 weeks today and holding our breath.
Last night the phone rings. It's fertile myrtle. She wants to discuss where we will go for dinner and then chat. Isn't that what the dinner is for? Now mind you, she has no idea I'm pregnant. Last she knew we were past one failed injectable cycle heading into our 2 WW of another failed injectable cycle with the IVF plans on the horizon. Again, I don't think she tries to be insensitive, she just has no idea how to be supportive through this. She is quite frankly clueless about it all. So, before we hang up she stops me and awkwardly blurts out that she is pregnant-5 months and wanted me to know-that and how hard the pregnancy has already been. Great. That means the first month you tried to get pregnant-BAM! it worked. The second time you tried you also got pregnant on try number 1. Good job! Way to go! And now, I'm in this pregnant purgatory of sorts and you have been trying to tell me while I was going through IVF and every moment after not knowing where or how we are doing? Really? I think this might finally push me over the edge.
On one hand I feel terrible for feeling any of this because I AM pregnant. I'm a lucky one. A very, very lucky one. I may not have a live baby at the end of this pregnancy to love and to hold, but I did get this far. This may be the only time I am pregnant. I want to enjoy it as much as possible, every bit of nausea and bout of fatigue, the round ligament pain stretching- I get to feel it. I do. I am blessed. But I am also scared as hell. And it hasn't been an easy road to get here.
For whatever reason she has been The One for me. I think a lot of us have One. The girl that you come across in your IF journey that just pours salt on your very raw gaping open wounds. Her presence, or words, or stories, or inability to say the right thing, just stings.
I think it is finally time for me to tell her. I need to come clean. I need to explain that infertility can wreak havoc on the best of us. It can beat us down to such a low level that we hardly recognize ourselves. It takes its toll not only on us, but on our loved ones, our work, and our relationships. And for whatever reason, some survive and some don't. Our friendship isn't going to survive it. And I'm sorry.
I don't even think I can tell her that we did indeed get pregnant. I can't begin to explain to her why I couldn't shout it from the mountain tops like she did the week after her HPT. She was blissfully ignorant. None of us will have that luxury. If, if , if we do get pregnant we will all have, to some extent, a tentative pregnancy. Oh, we'll be joyful, yes, indeed, but in a cautiously optimistic I don't want to jinx this sort of way. How can we not after all the disappointment we have faced along the way? How do we not protect our hearts just a little? I think it's called survival.
I guess I shouldn't lump everyone into this category, that's not fair. Maybe had we had good news from the outset I would have aleady begun to heal, but it just feels like more of the same. Except I don't fit in anywhere. At this very moment, I am not technically infertile, but I surely don't feel like I'm really pregnant. It's a lonely place that is ridden with guilt and yet filled with hope. Who am I to complain? I apologize for the whining. But that green eyed monster has a hold on me today, and it's not pretty.
16 weeks today and holding our breath.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Still tapping my foot
Tuesday came and went and I survived the amnio, and so did the baby, thank heavens. I was seriously a wreck and so afraid something bad would happen. The amnio wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but wasn't a walk in the park. My doc doesn't use any numbing agent, so it's a bit of a stick. The worst part truly is going into your uterus and then back out again. I would have much preferred that she warn me about when that would happen so I could do some deep breathing or something. That night I had cramping, which can be normal, but mine was a little worse than just cramping. From about 10 pm- to 2 am, I was on all fours in bed holding onto my abdomen begging that it stop. The cramping was getting stronger and I was terrified. S was great. He soothed me, tried rubbing my back, stroking my face, but once he held me with his hand on my ow stomach, the cramping seemed to ease. I finally fell asleep. Went back to the doc on Wednesday and everything checked out. No more cramping since.
When the last round of testing went amuck and we had to wait another handful of weeks for the amnio, they told us we would have results in 2 days following the procedure. However, this doctor didn't want to take any extra amniotic fluid than was needed, so there wasn't enough to run the preliminary tests that bring back those speedy results. Now, we have to wait another 2-3 weeks. I'm hoping that it's more like 2. And I thought the 2 week wait was bad. Egads.
So, I really don't have much to share, but wanted to stay connected.
I did finally tell everyone here at work yesterday. There's just no way I could hide my belly for 2-3 more weeks. People were really kind. I'm so relieved and sooo much more comfortable today wearing clothes that fit!!
On the Life front of things, S was offered a job in NY. While we were back visiting he went on an interview there, and they love him (of course). I'm just not so sure about the timing of it all, and there wouldn't be anything for me, which would be a difficult thing, I have to admit, giving up my career. We'll see how it goes.
When the last round of testing went amuck and we had to wait another handful of weeks for the amnio, they told us we would have results in 2 days following the procedure. However, this doctor didn't want to take any extra amniotic fluid than was needed, so there wasn't enough to run the preliminary tests that bring back those speedy results. Now, we have to wait another 2-3 weeks. I'm hoping that it's more like 2. And I thought the 2 week wait was bad. Egads.
So, I really don't have much to share, but wanted to stay connected.
I did finally tell everyone here at work yesterday. There's just no way I could hide my belly for 2-3 more weeks. People were really kind. I'm so relieved and sooo much more comfortable today wearing clothes that fit!!
On the Life front of things, S was offered a job in NY. While we were back visiting he went on an interview there, and they love him (of course). I'm just not so sure about the timing of it all, and there wouldn't be anything for me, which would be a difficult thing, I have to admit, giving up my career. We'll see how it goes.
Monday, July 28, 2008
What lies ahead?
We've made it through the wait-tomorrow is our big day at the hospital. Sorry I haven't been writing, but it would have been nothing but posts full of fear and dread if I continued to focus on it here. I didn't need to be writing it (or feeling it) and you surely didn't need to be reading it. It's been easier to try to stay focused on anything but what lies ahead. I will be relieved when tomorrow is over, but will be on pins and needles until we receive the test results. With everything I have in me, please let it be OK. I fear I don't have the strength to face what could be. That said, I have been trying to fill myself with powerful positive peaceful thoughts. I've tried to internalize a sense of knowing that all will be wonderful. With every negative thought that has crept in, I've battled it with TWO positive thoughts. Take that, Fear! That is how I made it through our trip to NY to visit Sean's gushing family and somehow stopped myself from following up everyone's exuberant happiness with a , "Yes, but...". That is how I didn't turn into a puddle when 2 days ago I felt movement for the first time. I've tried to allow myself to be suspended in joy while we wait. I might as well choose that over the dread. And it is a choice. My choice. That is the only thing I have control over.
Amnio is tomorrow at 9:30. Please, send us any extra well wishes you may have. We need it.
Amnio is tomorrow at 9:30. Please, send us any extra well wishes you may have. We need it.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Packing my bags
S and I are leaving for upstate NY tomorrow morning, specifically the Finger Lakes. It's one of my favorite places, it's where we were married, and where S grew up. We'll be gone for a little over a week. It'll be a great distracter and great way to burn up one of the weeks that lay ahead of us. I'm, of course, a little nervous about being around family and having them all gush about me being pregnant while they have no idea about our tests or the recent turn of events. We are not telling anyone, except all of you.
I'm also nervous to have them see me and my weight gain, and I'm not really talking about the weight from this pregnancy yet, but from all the drugs prior, cycle after cycle. It's been awhile since they've seen us and as much as I'm trying not to worry about my weight now, but focus on getting through this pregnancy with a healthy baby and deal with my weight on the other side-please let there be another side- I can't help but worry about all of them worrying about my weight. Stupid, I know.
So we'll be gone and away from computers and the hospital and I think that will be fantastic. I'll miss checking in on all of you. I hope your spirits are good. Please take good care of yourself this week. Do at least one really special thing for yourself, just you. I'll do the same.
I'm also nervous to have them see me and my weight gain, and I'm not really talking about the weight from this pregnancy yet, but from all the drugs prior, cycle after cycle. It's been awhile since they've seen us and as much as I'm trying not to worry about my weight now, but focus on getting through this pregnancy with a healthy baby and deal with my weight on the other side-please let there be another side- I can't help but worry about all of them worrying about my weight. Stupid, I know.
So we'll be gone and away from computers and the hospital and I think that will be fantastic. I'll miss checking in on all of you. I hope your spirits are good. Please take good care of yourself this week. Do at least one really special thing for yourself, just you. I'll do the same.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
No news is NOT good news, necessarily
What a week. I will save you from all the crazy details and just get you up to speed. I was hoping today I would have some answers, but after spending 3 hours at the hospital this morning, I left not knowing any more than when we had arrived. They tried to do some testing, but the way the baby is positioned they can't. Well, technically they could, but it's too risky. So we wait 3 more weeks and we'll try again.
The good news is I stopped spotting, but the bad news is that I tested positive for Trisomy 18 chromosomal disorder. I'm at a VERY high risk. VERY HIGH. Of course, I also spent some time on the intranet searching for more info and also found this:
“[women with significantly low levels of this protein] were significantly more likely to experience fetal loss at less than or equal to 24 weeks, low birth weight, preeclampsia, gestational hypertension, preterm birth and stillbirth, preterm premature rupture of membranes, and placental abruption."
Again, it's one of those things that is out of my control. I can't change what I eat or how much I exercise to alter the outcome. I'm not sleeping through the night, as you can imagine. I worry during the day, but when darkness comes, and I'm alone surrounded by it and the silence, it's the worst for me. All we can do is wait. Every cramp has me worried.
I'll keep you updated. And thanks for the lovely comments. I really would have never made it this far without all of your shared and kind words. Whether it's reading your blogs everyday, or dear Joonie, who is always there, this journey hasn't been as lonely. Thanks to you all.
The good news is I stopped spotting, but the bad news is that I tested positive for Trisomy 18 chromosomal disorder. I'm at a VERY high risk. VERY HIGH. Of course, I also spent some time on the intranet searching for more info and also found this:
“[women with significantly low levels of this protein] were significantly more likely to experience fetal loss at less than or equal to 24 weeks, low birth weight, preeclampsia, gestational hypertension, preterm birth and stillbirth, preterm premature rupture of membranes, and placental abruption."
Again, it's one of those things that is out of my control. I can't change what I eat or how much I exercise to alter the outcome. I'm not sleeping through the night, as you can imagine. I worry during the day, but when darkness comes, and I'm alone surrounded by it and the silence, it's the worst for me. All we can do is wait. Every cramp has me worried.
I'll keep you updated. And thanks for the lovely comments. I really would have never made it this far without all of your shared and kind words. Whether it's reading your blogs everyday, or dear Joonie, who is always there, this journey hasn't been as lonely. Thanks to you all.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
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