Another guest appearance by the green-eyed monster

I've talked to you about her before(you must read that post to really have an understanding of the rest of this bitter post). My very fertile friend that I've been trying to avoid like the plague. The last time we met for lunch she was saying how she was mad at her husband and wasn't going to try for a second baby for awhile. Hmm. OK. Then she was calling again wanting to have us all over at her house for an evening, but I redirected to lunch with just her and I to avoid hanging out all night with her son, I know, I'm terrible. I just had a hunch she was going to drop the "I'm pregnant!" bomb on me again. So, we tried to schedule a lunch, but it was always around a potential land mine date, like my transfer day-what if there weren't any eggs to transfer? I'd reschedule, then it was on my first beta test day. Reschedule. Then my second beta test-nope, no good. The day of my first ultrasound? Ummm...no. The day after they called me at work and told me that my chances of having a baby with Trisomy 18 were ridiculously high...let's see, sorry, can' t make it. OK, then, how about the afternoon of my CVS test? Won't be able to. Any day between now and the amnio? I think I'll be out of town, somewhere with my head in the sand. Oh, Ok then. But, by now she was really starting to get peeved. So I caved, thinking that I would have had my results from the amnio in 2 days- I carefully scheduled it for, well, tonight.
Last night the phone rings. It's fertile myrtle. She wants to discuss where we will go for dinner and then chat. Isn't that what the dinner is for? Now mind you, she has no idea I'm pregnant. Last she knew we were past one failed injectable cycle heading into our 2 WW of another failed injectable cycle with the IVF plans on the horizon. Again, I don't think she tries to be insensitive, she just has no idea how to be supportive through this. She is quite frankly clueless about it all. So, before we hang up she stops me and awkwardly blurts out that she is pregnant-5 months and wanted me to know-that and how hard the pregnancy has already been. Great. That means the first month you tried to get pregnant-BAM! it worked. The second time you tried you also got pregnant on try number 1. Good job! Way to go! And now, I'm in this pregnant purgatory of sorts and you have been trying to tell me while I was going through IVF and every moment after not knowing where or how we are doing? Really? I think this might finally push me over the edge.
On one hand I feel terrible for feeling any of this because I AM pregnant. I'm a lucky one. A very, very lucky one. I may not have a live baby at the end of this pregnancy to love and to hold, but I did get this far. This may be the only time I am pregnant. I want to enjoy it as much as possible, every bit of nausea and bout of fatigue, the round ligament pain stretching- I get to feel it. I do. I am blessed. But I am also scared as hell. And it hasn't been an easy road to get here.
For whatever reason she has been The One for me. I think a lot of us have One. The girl that you come across in your IF journey that just pours salt on your very raw gaping open wounds. Her presence, or words, or stories, or inability to say the right thing, just stings.
I think it is finally time for me to tell her. I need to come clean. I need to explain that infertility can wreak havoc on the best of us. It can beat us down to such a low level that we hardly recognize ourselves. It takes its toll not only on us, but on our loved ones, our work, and our relationships. And for whatever reason, some survive and some don't. Our friendship isn't going to survive it. And I'm sorry.
I don't even think I can tell her that we did indeed get pregnant. I can't begin to explain to her why I couldn't shout it from the mountain tops like she did the week after her HPT. She was blissfully ignorant. None of us will have that luxury. If, if , if we do get pregnant we will all have, to some extent, a tentative pregnancy. Oh, we'll be joyful, yes, indeed, but in a cautiously optimistic I don't want to jinx this sort of way. How can we not after all the disappointment we have faced along the way? How do we not protect our hearts just a little? I think it's called survival.
I guess I shouldn't lump everyone into this category, that's not fair. Maybe had we had good news from the outset I would have aleady begun to heal, but it just feels like more of the same. Except I don't fit in anywhere. At this very moment, I am not technically infertile, but I surely don't feel like I'm really pregnant. It's a lonely place that is ridden with guilt and yet filled with hope. Who am I to complain? I apologize for the whining. But that green eyed monster has a hold on me today, and it's not pretty.

16 weeks today and holding our breath.