Dinner conversations

Dinner went OK. I'm glad I did go and not cancel. It was still difficult listening to her talk about her son and how wonderful it is to be a mom, and then discuss her new pregnancy, again, all the while not knowing the outcome of our treatments. She never asked about it or how I was doing. I could chalk this up to the fact she just doesn't know what to say, but it was still just awkward. She knew we had gone on a few trips recently and knew we were still planning one last big hoorah trip this fall, all without knowing that my recent trips have been escapes and distractions to help get us through the waiting, and that the big trip was to hopefully be our celebration trip and baby moon. But, she made snide comments about not being able to run off on a big trip because of her son and now her pregnancy and she openly gushed about that and how wonderful her boy is and what a great age and oh did I tell you about the amazing things he's doing? There's the sting. Doesn't she realize I would have gladly stayed home the last 4 years from any trips with my own son that I could never conceive. Instead I smiled and told her how lucky she is.

Finally at the end of dinner I did blurt out that I was pregnant. We left the restaurant and went for a walk while I tried to explain to her what the last 6 moths have really been like. She was surprised and happy for us, but again, her way of trying to connect to me just gets me angry. She actually said she knew exactly how it felt to be me because they had actually had to try for 4 months to get pregnant this second time, and then she finally decided to chart a month, and then it worked. Really? You know how I feel? Are you kidding me? You charted one month and it worked for your second child?? I was at a loss for words and I didn't want to come off sounding angry and bitter, though I was, I was. So I opted to just smile and nod.

So now she has heard the news she thinks it all melts away and everything is back to normal and totally fine. I wish it were that easy. But seriously, will any of us ever be the same before this torturous roller coaster? I do believe we are different, and hopefully closer with our partners, if we are lucky that it didn't tear us apart. We are stronger and wiser, but we won't be the same.

She immediately decided we should all get together and go celebrate. I told her that until my results come in I don't feel like celebrating, and that it's still hard to hang out with her family right now. She looked hurt and a little confused when I told her that. I tried to reassure her that it's really no one's fault, it's just a side effect of infertility, and with time it may heal, but I need to focus on my situation right now, that I want to go through my pregnancy on my own ( selfish girl, please don't let lightening strike me down). In the end I still don't know if she got it. Most of her comments made me feel like she was way off base, and I know in my heart that it would be really hard to understand if you were given the storybook route to try and grasp that there is also a nightmare path out there for some of us.

I just hope now I can have a little breathing room from her. I do feel better that I was direct and asked for what I need right now. I do wish that she understood and that we could talk more openly about it, that I could actually lean on her for support, but I have come to terms that she is just not that person for me.

...

I am starting to go a little crazy with waiting for the results. I put a call into the hospital just to make sure by some miraculous event the results didn't come back early and are sitting on a desk waiting to be given to me somewhere while I bite my nails down to nubbins. I haven't heard anything back.