I know it's early yet

We started the Lupron shots on Wednesday night. I had planned on going out of town for the weekend, but on Thursday night my mom was in a serious car accident. I drove a few hours to be with her during her surgery and through the weekend at the hospital. She knew how I was feeling about the upcoming cycle and had actually booked a B&B for me in this quaint river town. We were discussing it the night of her accident. She felt so bad that my "last" weekend was ruined by her accident. Silly loving lady. I was so relieved she was going to be ok. She is the best mom. I hope one day I can be something that resembles a mom as good as her. I felt lucky to live close enough now to be able to jump in the car and get to her in 3 hours. I made it just before they took her into surgery. It'll be months before she walks again, she (and I!!) are so lucky. I returned home Sunday night.

So, on Monday, after a fabulous haircut (it's been 8 months since my last -8 MONTHS!-yes, I've been down and blue and feeling oh so fat and ugly- but NO MORE! This haircut ROCKS and I feel more beautiful than I have in years) I took myself out for a nice appetizer and glass of wine at a fancy restaurant, alone. Sean was a little surprised about this, commenting later,"I thought you were going to buy a bottle of wine and get some apps and bring them home for both of us." Nope. He has been clueless. CLUELESS, about my fears of this cycle, all the needles, and most importantly, what all those drugs will do to me. Clueless of what happens to your body, your mood, your outlook on life. Everything gets black for awhile, and it's depressing and scary, and there's no guarantee that I won't have to go through it again. So, I told him that I needed to do something nice for myself as I only had one day left. He said, "One day? Before what!?" Seriously, clueless. I told him that my life was changing, hell, my life had already changed months ago. Not his. He's even made comments before that nothing would change for 9 months even if we got pregnant right now. HMMM. Really? MY life would change in that moment. My body would have already started the transformation. How can he be such a great guy, and such an imbecile on this matter?? Egads.
So, I told him that he was clueless about what was going on with me. I think it woke him up a bit.
On Tuesday, I went to a wine tasting and I told him he could join me if he wanted to. He threw out a zinger, saying in slow dowdy sounding voice, "Well, since YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO END tonight, of course I want to come." But then he followed it up with something about me being the most important thing in his life. So he joined me. He was sweet and more attentive than he's been in quite a while, placing his hand on my knee, getting my attention and kissing me gently at one point.
The shots started on Wednesday. I've so afraid of Lupron. So, Sean, again in true clueless fashion, was getting, I could tell, a bit perturbed by my quiet hesitation as we prepped for the first shot. I've done the subQ shots before with Follistim, but it was a pen, and this one is not, so it was my first one like this, which each time you do something new, well, it's a little scarier, you don't know what to expect. But really, it's what's waiting for you on the other side of the shot that is really the unknown and scariest part of all. My clueless husband couldn't for some reason come up with that one on his own. "It's a LITTLE shot, honey. I don't know why you're so worried," he says with more annoyance than compassion. "I know. IT's that it's the first of these, but I'm more scared about what it's going to do to me..." I trailed off and big tears rolled down my cheeks. He didn't say anything, but he raised his eyebrows and an expression of "Oh." crossed his faced. Last night he was better. I would love for him to just ask me how I'm feeling from the drugs. My dear mother called the first night of the drugs and checked in on me and did so again last night. I guess I've just been spoiled by her love and I've come to not only give that kind of love to those around me, but I guess I expect a certain amount of that loving care back.
So, how AM I feeling? Pretty good. Yes, I have the headache that doesn't go away and the hot flashes. I've had a few nightmares, and terrible diarrhea, but I'm not sure if those two are related to the drugs. I think I'm doing pretty well so far. I know it took a few days on Clomid before I felt like jumping off a cliff, so my seat belt is on and I'm doing some defensive driving. I'm going to try to keep walking every night and drinking lots of water. I think this helps in all areas. I dragged myself out last night, but was so glad I did afterwards. I stop the BCP's tomorrow night and I'll start the stims in a few days, most likely.

To all of you out there feeling lost, or lonely, or depressed, or out of control, I'm thinking of you. I get strength from what you write and share and it really helps me not feel so alone. We'll all get through this, one way or another. I can't thank you enough for sharing the journey with me. I really don't know what I would do without you.