Tuesday is the big day. Tomorrow. I can't believe we made it. On Sunday we made another trip back to the hospital. My E2 shot up to 1875, most of my eggs were around 18.5cm, a few others 22 and 24, and a few still smaller at 11-14. We triggered last night at 11:00.
Sean has been amazing. It's like a light went off. I couldn't ask for more support or understanding from him. I am so thankful that he heard me and realized how important his role is.
I was unbelievably exhausted on Saturday, I could barely keep my eyes open. I took 2 naps. 2. 3 if you count me nodding off in the car. That never happens. 1 never happens. Somehow yesterday I summoned more energy and I made it through the early trip to the hospital, and then a 2 hour drive to my mom's retirement party and then a return drive home. It was great to spend time with my family yesterday. We made it home with 15 minutes to spare before the trigger shot.
I'm cautiously hopeful. But, hell, haven't I earned the right to be a little hopeful right now? 2 days of hope. I hope my eggs fertilize. That's the first big hurdle. I hope we don't have any genetic issues and that my eggs are viable. Then, no matter what, there's hope to continue, whatever the outcome.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
A plea from my ovaries
We had the ultrasound today that showed about 19 eggs in the running. 2 are leading the pack at 15, the others lagging back around 11-13. I'm hoping they all catch up fast. Still waiting on the call back on my E2 level. We went over the details for the Egg Retrieval, what the plan of attack will be, what I can and can't do, etc. We met with Dr. D today. What a hilarious man. I envisioned an applause sign blinking on the wall behind him from time to time. Super funny and personable, total polar opposite of my regular Doc, Dr. Very Serious. I've gotten a smile out of him twice. He's the director and everyone says he's the best, but I felt so much more relaxed today having humor fill the room. S said it was fun to watch the tennis match between us. It felt good to laugh.
So, what does all of this mean? It means we go back to the hospital to wash, rinse and repeat on Sunday. Another lab, another ultrasound. Let's hope those numbers rise and those follicles grow. Hopefully we will trigger on Sunday night, which would mean Dr. Funny will most likely be doing my ET on Tuesday. Please, oh, please, my endo covered basketball sized ovaries plead, let us trigger on Sunday.
****************************
Update: My E2 level was 878. It fell short of the 965 goal. We stick with 150 Follistim, 5 Luprolide, but up the Repronex to 2 vials.
My poor ass.
So, what does all of this mean? It means we go back to the hospital to wash, rinse and repeat on Sunday. Another lab, another ultrasound. Let's hope those numbers rise and those follicles grow. Hopefully we will trigger on Sunday night, which would mean Dr. Funny will most likely be doing my ET on Tuesday. Please, oh, please, my endo covered basketball sized ovaries plead, let us trigger on Sunday.
****************************
Update: My E2 level was 878. It fell short of the 965 goal. We stick with 150 Follistim, 5 Luprolide, but up the Repronex to 2 vials.
My poor ass.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Day 7 stims
I can't believe how big my belly is getting. Egads! I've run out of pants I can fit into. S suggested I wear my sundresses. Brilliant idea! Much more comfortable. I can't wait for tomorrow to see where my follies are at. Be growing, all together, big an strong.
We are probably over half way to ET (egg retrieval). Cross whatever you've got!
I've continued walking every night, like I promised myself, and I hope I can continue to do so. Last night I could definitely feel my ovaries moving around bumping into everything. I'm tender and sore now, which in a way, is reassuring. I was worried that I couldn't take any ibuprofen, but the Tylenol is working to keep the pain at bay.
I am going into my GP tonight to get my throat checked out. I've been sick for weeks and I'm getting a little worried about the impact that my have on my body.
That and my dang neck was locked up on Saturday morning when I woke up and it's still killing me. Usually take a week to go away. A few more days...
Stay tuned for the follie update tomorrow. Please, God, make this be our cycle.
We are probably over half way to ET (egg retrieval). Cross whatever you've got!
I've continued walking every night, like I promised myself, and I hope I can continue to do so. Last night I could definitely feel my ovaries moving around bumping into everything. I'm tender and sore now, which in a way, is reassuring. I was worried that I couldn't take any ibuprofen, but the Tylenol is working to keep the pain at bay.
I am going into my GP tonight to get my throat checked out. I've been sick for weeks and I'm getting a little worried about the impact that my have on my body.
That and my dang neck was locked up on Saturday morning when I woke up and it's still killing me. Usually take a week to go away. A few more days...
Stay tuned for the follie update tomorrow. Please, God, make this be our cycle.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Needling news
We've been moving along with our cycle. I should mention that S finally came to his senses. He totally apologized for being a schmuck and has really stepped up. That has really helped to change the way I feel. I certainly don't feel as alone now and having the support from him makes all of this more do-able.
We went in for that crummy uterine sounding last Friday. It wasn't any fun. We learned that I have endometriosis all over the outer os, or on my cervix. Usually the problem with getting a catheter in happens at the internal os,not the external os. Think of it as a mote, I said. With lots of alligators. And some sharks. It was painful, but no where near a 10 or even an 8. I'd say a 4. It was more about the fear of it and what was next and how bad was it going to hurt, than the actual procedure. He was ready to give up and have us come back on a different day, which meant pushing back the stim and ET. I begged him to try one more time. He looked at me, right in the eyes. Let's do this, I said. He tried again and it worked.
So we started stims on Friday night. Monday my E2 was 116, we reduced the Follistim to 150 and added in one vial of Repronex. Ouch! My E2 test today was 385. Same drug protocol. I'm responding well. Next E2 test on Friday and ultrasound and pre-op.
That's it for now.
We went in for that crummy uterine sounding last Friday. It wasn't any fun. We learned that I have endometriosis all over the outer os, or on my cervix. Usually the problem with getting a catheter in happens at the internal os,not the external os. Think of it as a mote, I said. With lots of alligators. And some sharks. It was painful, but no where near a 10 or even an 8. I'd say a 4. It was more about the fear of it and what was next and how bad was it going to hurt, than the actual procedure. He was ready to give up and have us come back on a different day, which meant pushing back the stim and ET. I begged him to try one more time. He looked at me, right in the eyes. Let's do this, I said. He tried again and it worked.
So we started stims on Friday night. Monday my E2 was 116, we reduced the Follistim to 150 and added in one vial of Repronex. Ouch! My E2 test today was 385. Same drug protocol. I'm responding well. Next E2 test on Friday and ultrasound and pre-op.
That's it for now.
Friday, April 11, 2008
I know it's early yet
We started the Lupron shots on Wednesday night. I had planned on going out of town for the weekend, but on Thursday night my mom was in a serious car accident. I drove a few hours to be with her during her surgery and through the weekend at the hospital. She knew how I was feeling about the upcoming cycle and had actually booked a B&B for me in this quaint river town. We were discussing it the night of her accident. She felt so bad that my "last" weekend was ruined by her accident. Silly loving lady. I was so relieved she was going to be ok. She is the best mom. I hope one day I can be something that resembles a mom as good as her. I felt lucky to live close enough now to be able to jump in the car and get to her in 3 hours. I made it just before they took her into surgery. It'll be months before she walks again, she (and I!!) are so lucky. I returned home Sunday night.
So, on Monday, after a fabulous haircut (it's been 8 months since my last -8 MONTHS!-yes, I've been down and blue and feeling oh so fat and ugly- but NO MORE! This haircut ROCKS and I feel more beautiful than I have in years) I took myself out for a nice appetizer and glass of wine at a fancy restaurant, alone. Sean was a little surprised about this, commenting later,"I thought you were going to buy a bottle of wine and get some apps and bring them home for both of us." Nope. He has been clueless. CLUELESS, about my fears of this cycle, all the needles, and most importantly, what all those drugs will do to me. Clueless of what happens to your body, your mood, your outlook on life. Everything gets black for awhile, and it's depressing and scary, and there's no guarantee that I won't have to go through it again. So, I told him that I needed to do something nice for myself as I only had one day left. He said, "One day? Before what!?" Seriously, clueless. I told him that my life was changing, hell, my life had already changed months ago. Not his. He's even made comments before that nothing would change for 9 months even if we got pregnant right now. HMMM. Really? MY life would change in that moment. My body would have already started the transformation. How can he be such a great guy, and such an imbecile on this matter?? Egads.
So, I told him that he was clueless about what was going on with me. I think it woke him up a bit.
On Tuesday, I went to a wine tasting and I told him he could join me if he wanted to. He threw out a zinger, saying in slow dowdy sounding voice, "Well, since YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO END tonight, of course I want to come." But then he followed it up with something about me being the most important thing in his life. So he joined me. He was sweet and more attentive than he's been in quite a while, placing his hand on my knee, getting my attention and kissing me gently at one point.
The shots started on Wednesday. I've so afraid of Lupron. So, Sean, again in true clueless fashion, was getting, I could tell, a bit perturbed by my quiet hesitation as we prepped for the first shot. I've done the subQ shots before with Follistim, but it was a pen, and this one is not, so it was my first one like this, which each time you do something new, well, it's a little scarier, you don't know what to expect. But really, it's what's waiting for you on the other side of the shot that is really the unknown and scariest part of all. My clueless husband couldn't for some reason come up with that one on his own. "It's a LITTLE shot, honey. I don't know why you're so worried," he says with more annoyance than compassion. "I know. IT's that it's the first of these, but I'm more scared about what it's going to do to me..." I trailed off and big tears rolled down my cheeks. He didn't say anything, but he raised his eyebrows and an expression of "Oh." crossed his faced. Last night he was better. I would love for him to just ask me how I'm feeling from the drugs. My dear mother called the first night of the drugs and checked in on me and did so again last night. I guess I've just been spoiled by her love and I've come to not only give that kind of love to those around me, but I guess I expect a certain amount of that loving care back.
So, how AM I feeling? Pretty good. Yes, I have the headache that doesn't go away and the hot flashes. I've had a few nightmares, and terrible diarrhea, but I'm not sure if those two are related to the drugs. I think I'm doing pretty well so far. I know it took a few days on Clomid before I felt like jumping off a cliff, so my seat belt is on and I'm doing some defensive driving. I'm going to try to keep walking every night and drinking lots of water. I think this helps in all areas. I dragged myself out last night, but was so glad I did afterwards. I stop the BCP's tomorrow night and I'll start the stims in a few days, most likely.
To all of you out there feeling lost, or lonely, or depressed, or out of control, I'm thinking of you. I get strength from what you write and share and it really helps me not feel so alone. We'll all get through this, one way or another. I can't thank you enough for sharing the journey with me. I really don't know what I would do without you.
So, on Monday, after a fabulous haircut (it's been 8 months since my last -8 MONTHS!-yes, I've been down and blue and feeling oh so fat and ugly- but NO MORE! This haircut ROCKS and I feel more beautiful than I have in years) I took myself out for a nice appetizer and glass of wine at a fancy restaurant, alone. Sean was a little surprised about this, commenting later,"I thought you were going to buy a bottle of wine and get some apps and bring them home for both of us." Nope. He has been clueless. CLUELESS, about my fears of this cycle, all the needles, and most importantly, what all those drugs will do to me. Clueless of what happens to your body, your mood, your outlook on life. Everything gets black for awhile, and it's depressing and scary, and there's no guarantee that I won't have to go through it again. So, I told him that I needed to do something nice for myself as I only had one day left. He said, "One day? Before what!?" Seriously, clueless. I told him that my life was changing, hell, my life had already changed months ago. Not his. He's even made comments before that nothing would change for 9 months even if we got pregnant right now. HMMM. Really? MY life would change in that moment. My body would have already started the transformation. How can he be such a great guy, and such an imbecile on this matter?? Egads.
So, I told him that he was clueless about what was going on with me. I think it woke him up a bit.
On Tuesday, I went to a wine tasting and I told him he could join me if he wanted to. He threw out a zinger, saying in slow dowdy sounding voice, "Well, since YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO END tonight, of course I want to come." But then he followed it up with something about me being the most important thing in his life. So he joined me. He was sweet and more attentive than he's been in quite a while, placing his hand on my knee, getting my attention and kissing me gently at one point.
The shots started on Wednesday. I've so afraid of Lupron. So, Sean, again in true clueless fashion, was getting, I could tell, a bit perturbed by my quiet hesitation as we prepped for the first shot. I've done the subQ shots before with Follistim, but it was a pen, and this one is not, so it was my first one like this, which each time you do something new, well, it's a little scarier, you don't know what to expect. But really, it's what's waiting for you on the other side of the shot that is really the unknown and scariest part of all. My clueless husband couldn't for some reason come up with that one on his own. "It's a LITTLE shot, honey. I don't know why you're so worried," he says with more annoyance than compassion. "I know. IT's that it's the first of these, but I'm more scared about what it's going to do to me..." I trailed off and big tears rolled down my cheeks. He didn't say anything, but he raised his eyebrows and an expression of "Oh." crossed his faced. Last night he was better. I would love for him to just ask me how I'm feeling from the drugs. My dear mother called the first night of the drugs and checked in on me and did so again last night. I guess I've just been spoiled by her love and I've come to not only give that kind of love to those around me, but I guess I expect a certain amount of that loving care back.
So, how AM I feeling? Pretty good. Yes, I have the headache that doesn't go away and the hot flashes. I've had a few nightmares, and terrible diarrhea, but I'm not sure if those two are related to the drugs. I think I'm doing pretty well so far. I know it took a few days on Clomid before I felt like jumping off a cliff, so my seat belt is on and I'm doing some defensive driving. I'm going to try to keep walking every night and drinking lots of water. I think this helps in all areas. I dragged myself out last night, but was so glad I did afterwards. I stop the BCP's tomorrow night and I'll start the stims in a few days, most likely.
To all of you out there feeling lost, or lonely, or depressed, or out of control, I'm thinking of you. I get strength from what you write and share and it really helps me not feel so alone. We'll all get through this, one way or another. I can't thank you enough for sharing the journey with me. I really don't know what I would do without you.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Overwhelming
Today we were back at the hospital. An ultrasound for me, a uterine "sounding" that went amuck, a semen sample to freeze, and injection training. We were also supposed to pick up our drugs, our voluminous drugs, but we need to wait until Friday to pick those up, what with needing $2 grand to pay for them.
I thought I would feel excited to finally be here at this moment, but honestly, I'm not one bit. I finally feel like myself again. I can fit into my regular fat pants, not my oh my god I've gained 20 pounds overnight and even though I'm not close to being pregnant yet I look like I'm at least 5 months fat pants. It's all perspective.
Today I learned that the resident doc can't thread my cervix with a catheter, so now I have to go back again, and have my cervix shot with drugs, dilated, and have some kind of perma ring inserted for a few weeks so they can have an easy go of it come transfer, if we even get there. Fabulous.
I'm wishing Sean were more supportive right now. I'm tired of his crap attitude. You know the one, girls, I'm sure you've all experienced from at least one male in your life. The attitude that what ever "girl thing" you've got going on is not that big of a deal. Well, you know what. It is a big deal. And you're an ass for not seeing it that way. You're an ass for not being more compassionate. You're an ass for not being there for me emotionally as I try to conceive a child for us. You're an ass for making me go this alone. So, get over it if I'm a little quiet, because I sure as hell am not going to share whatever fears or pain or discomfort with your drug-free, hormonal free, needles safe tummy, leg, and ass, Ass. Don't ask, not that you DO!, because I'm not sharing anymore.
I'm going to enjoy these last 6 days before the whirlwind begins.
I thought I would feel excited to finally be here at this moment, but honestly, I'm not one bit. I finally feel like myself again. I can fit into my regular fat pants, not my oh my god I've gained 20 pounds overnight and even though I'm not close to being pregnant yet I look like I'm at least 5 months fat pants. It's all perspective.
Today I learned that the resident doc can't thread my cervix with a catheter, so now I have to go back again, and have my cervix shot with drugs, dilated, and have some kind of perma ring inserted for a few weeks so they can have an easy go of it come transfer, if we even get there. Fabulous.
I'm wishing Sean were more supportive right now. I'm tired of his crap attitude. You know the one, girls, I'm sure you've all experienced from at least one male in your life. The attitude that what ever "girl thing" you've got going on is not that big of a deal. Well, you know what. It is a big deal. And you're an ass for not seeing it that way. You're an ass for not being more compassionate. You're an ass for not being there for me emotionally as I try to conceive a child for us. You're an ass for making me go this alone. So, get over it if I'm a little quiet, because I sure as hell am not going to share whatever fears or pain or discomfort with your drug-free, hormonal free, needles safe tummy, leg, and ass, Ass. Don't ask, not that you DO!, because I'm not sharing anymore.
I'm going to enjoy these last 6 days before the whirlwind begins.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Sit. Stay. Stop, Drop, and Roll!!
On Saturday, Sean and I were enjoying a nice breakfast. French toast, coffee, and the morning light, when all of a sudden we smelled something burning. We both stood up and wandered around the house following our noses trying to figure out what was on fire. From different rooms we would look back at each other and make reports, Nothing here, shrug our shoulders and keep looking. The smell had us back in the dining room where we first smelled the burn, but we could not determine its origin.
We tried not too worry that our house was on fire and continued our day.
Later on, while on a long hike with the dogs, I finally figured it out. I exclaimed with certainty, Well, I now know what was on fire earlier, Honey. I pointed at my dear dog Jack. His entire back quarter and side of his tail was a bright sienna burnt orange color, normally black. You see, Jack loves heat as much as I do and he always cozy-ups to the cast iron stove. We are always shooing him away, but this morning, we must have been enjoying the french toast too much to realize it was our dog that was on fire and not the house.
Talk about a hot dog. Ok, you knew that was coming.
We tried not too worry that our house was on fire and continued our day.
Later on, while on a long hike with the dogs, I finally figured it out. I exclaimed with certainty, Well, I now know what was on fire earlier, Honey. I pointed at my dear dog Jack. His entire back quarter and side of his tail was a bright sienna burnt orange color, normally black. You see, Jack loves heat as much as I do and he always cozy-ups to the cast iron stove. We are always shooing him away, but this morning, we must have been enjoying the french toast too much to realize it was our dog that was on fire and not the house.
Talk about a hot dog. Ok, you knew that was coming.
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